Beginnings and endings.
I am quite unsure how to write about the beauty of these.
I don’t feel like we are at any sort of ending. We are in limbo.

But the more I pondered this topic the more thoughts I had.

Endings–

*Life as we know it
*a weekly paycheck
*a little boys “perfect” childhood with a mommy and a daddy who both adored him and were present in his life.
*Sunday mornings in bed listening to my boys make breakfast. Smelling coffee, waking up to a clean dressed little boy.
*Intimacy with my lover

Those things are gone right now.
There is no one to check the oil, change tires, carry in heavy groceries, ask input on decisions, build things for me, no one to take over at the end of a long day when a little boy has been taking too many liberties.

No one to say I’m doing a good job, or rub tired feet, or snuggle with under the blankets and whisper til dawn. No one to dream about our future with.

Dreams of a large family have died. Even if my husband comes home soon, this gaping hole in the years of our lives will mean that we simply will not have as many children as we dreamed about.

There has been an end to sharing our daily lives. Events and happenings go unspoken because we are not together.
But there is also a good end. An end to fights, anger, bitterness, and wondering if this marriage will make it.

Beginnings–
*a jail and then prison sentence yawning before us in a lot of unknowns
*nights of staying up too late so I don’t have to remember that my husband is not in bed
*tears–more than I knew I could cry
*exhaustion–I always knew being a single mom must be so hard but there was no way to know until I experienced it. I didn’t sign up to be a single mom–this is not my choice–sometimes the bone numbing exhaustion tempts me to murmur and complain.
* waiting and waiting and waiting on court decisions
*being helpless to DO or change anything.
*listening to people lie about me and realizing  that setting the record straight will only make things worse.

These are some of our beginnings and yet there are other beginnings.

A life completely dependant on God. Prayers that are answered immediately in ways I could not have asked for. Blessings almost more than I can count.

A marriage full of love restored by God. A husband excited about the things of God. (I smile a huge smile every time I type that) A sense of God’s overwhelming presence in our lives.
Seeing every need provided. Watching my son learn to depend and trust in God even though he prays every night for his daddy to come home.

Some things that have ended  needed to end. Some things that ended hurt more deeply than I can describe.
Some things that have begun hurt more than I can describe. Some things that have begun remind me that I am blessed beyond measure.

We look so forward to the day when a prison sentence ends and a new life together begins.

Each of our lives is full of beginnings and endings and I am aware that we must be dependant on God to see the beauty in all of them.
Revelation 1:8 I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.

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