Keeping my eyes on Jesus

by adustyframe ~ October 4th, 2006

On Sunday, Pastor spoke about Peter walking on the water.

As he spoke, I could relate to Peter.

Earlier this spring, my husband’s parole officer made horrible accusations against me. She called into question my mothering and social services was called for an investigation. Even though this officer had never met me and knew nothing about our wonderful home, she felt comfortable enough to make these accusations.
This was my Peter time. I was devastated and horrified and more terrified than I can describe.

Many people prayed for us.

Me? I took my eyes of Jesus. It is shameful to say now but at that time, it felt like the last straw.

Foolishly, I said “God! if this is what I get for being faithful and for serving you than I quit.”

I am not proud of that. It is shameful. But the devil was having his heyday in my heart that week. I truly felt like turning my back on God was the answer.

Now, looking back having gone through this trial and testing, I can see how foolish I was. But at the time, it made perfect sense.

That was the darkest time of my life. I cried horrible hot burning tears and a chilling terror gripped my heart.

Here are some things I wrote to some Christian friends during that time.

I am having a really rough last couple years.

I have held on and believed and trusted when it looked dark. I have obeyed, prayed, and acted right even if I didn’t feel right.

I have seen God work again and again but this past week more things have happened and I don’t know what to do–I am seriously questioning my faith–this makes me very vulnerable to say this but I need you to pray for me!

I’m not going to be an atheist anytime soon–it’s just that I feel like doing right and being right doesn’t make a difference.

I don’t know how things can keep falling apart even when I’m doing what is right.

I almost said “I quit yesterday” I know that’s what the devil wants but I don’t have the strength to keep going.

I know that God sees and hears and understands and “doesn’t give us more than we can handle” But I can’t handle anymore and I’m so sad that I feel like this.

I have never in my life felt like giving up like I do now, we have a really overwhelming day tomorrow and I would appreciate if you can pray for me to not quit believing on God.

Then

I think the doubt just blindsided me. And the feelings are very frightening–I’ve NEVER struggled with doubt before.


I have held on to God’s promises all this time and seen the benefits of trusting. The doubt overwhelmed me yesterday and today is better–yesterday I honestly did not care if I gave up. At least today I’m sad I feel that way and I don’t want to.

I didn’t go to church today because I felt like such a hypocrite–I probably needed to be there but I just couldn’t go.

Then the next day

Thank you all for your prayers and support.

This weekend was the darkest place I’ve ever been in because I felt like God wasn’t with me and it scared me to think I could so easily give up.

Today was a hard day but good just the same. I have had a lot of relief and some answers. Then other problems arose but smaller!

Then 3 days later

Once again I’d like to thank you for your prayers.

Today, I was still trusting because I had to not because I felt it–but things were better than they were this weekend.

My son by the way has been giving me grief for not going to church on Sunday.

I had a miserable headache today and I’ve had a band across my stomach (internal) of pain! It’s not been fun and is only stress.

Tomorrow is another turning point day and things are completely out of our control–but at some point this afternoon the fog lifted and I am able to see God at work in our lives even though it’s hard.

I am praying for truth and if you think of us perhaps you can pray for that as well? God is truth!! I read many passages on truth last night–it was encouraging and I also discovered that God’s truth and mercy go hand in hand–that was a neat discovery.

We are in a full out attack from satan and I am ashamed that I was not passing the test this weekend–I truly believe in prayer–I know your prayers and prayers of others have helped us to hold on.

Like Peter when he took his eyes of Jesus, I sunk and was overwhelmed by the storm.

Peter cried “Lord save me” which I had to do as well.

Thankfully the Lord doesn’t just look down at our weak human frailties and say “sorry you messed up.” Thankfully he doesn’t leave us to let us drown in our faithlessness.

I can’t help but wonder how much easier this would have been if I hadn’t taken my eyes off Jesus. A lot less fear and terror I am sure.
The investigation proved that the accusations were unfounded and that I was a wonderful mother. I praise the Lord for taking that decision out of the hands of one that wanted to hurt us.

I thank him for not allowing my precious son to be put in harm’s way and that he wasn’t taken from me.

I truly believe that God knew that was more than I could handle and he graciously extended his mercy and allowed truth to shine through the lies.

Next time I pray that I will be less like Peter. I pray that I will remember these lessons and just keep my eyes firmly fixed on my wonderful Lord.

Lizzie

9 Thoughts Shared to Keeping my eyes on Jesus

  1. Susanna

    I just want you to know that your willingness to share is much appreciated.Standing on the edge and wanting to let go is terrifying…I have been there but for different reasons. I praise God that He held me back. We all ‘do Peter’ at one point or another. Satan is sifting us, but God has promised we will not fall. Your post made me think of a hymn my brother just posted on his blog

    http://www.glosbaptist.blogspot.com

  2. adustyframe

    Thanks for that hymn! That is a wonderful one.

  3. Amy

    Romans 5:2-5
    And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

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  8. Robin in New Jersey

    Reading this 6 1/2 years after you have written it, I can relate to so much of what you have written.

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