2 years

by adustyframe ~ October 26th, 2006

Today I realized that this day 2 years ago was the day my husband kissed us goodbye in the morning and didn’t come home.

He went to work that day and had to sleep at the facility at night.

After he was sentenced, he had 3 weeks at home with us. Those were melancholy days.

We went about our business with forced bright smiles. We did “family” things together all the while trying to not say “one more week” or “10 more days”.

We went to the pumpkin patch. I remember feeling sick. Thinking how we were pretending we weren’t dying inside. Trying to look like a “normal” family. We picked apples and a pumpkin. We took photos.

We drove home in silence. At least the adults were silent. We were already so tired in our hearts.

I was at this point not forgiving my husband. So underneath the tight bright smiles was a pool of ugly anger.

My husband was very indifferent. He acted like it was no big deal.

I think now that’s because he didn’t want to admit how angry he was at himself. How sad and scared he was too.

The night before he left, we lay in bed far apart from each other. We had argued again. I wanted him to reach out to me on this last night together but he and I were so far apart from each other. So tired and hurting and angry that we only repelled each other.

I went to work that day wondering if anyone could look at me and see that my husband was a convict.

The 1st night that daddy didn’t come home, little boy threw a royal fit.

Bedtime had been special daddy and little boy time. I tried to recreate it but I wasn’t daddy and little boy had no understanding where in the world his father was. I spent more than an hour trying to calm my son.

I remember finally yelling at him to just go to sleep. I sat down and burst into tears while little boy screamed himself to sleep in his bed.

I figured out how many days it was until he could come home. I told him the next day,

“One day down, 313 to go.”

He said “NEVER count the days. Don’t you know that if you do something will go wrong?”

He was teasing, but little did we know that things would go wrong and that those 313 days would stretch into a long winding road that we still do not see the end of.

I haven’t laid out exactly everything that has happened or that has gone wrong but suffice it to say that I am glad I didn’t know then how long this trial was going to be. I would have curled up in bed and never gotten up again.

God knew that 1st day when my husband left in the morning.

He knew it wasn’t going to be 313 days. He knows today how many more days we have left.

He knows that we are tired, that we are sad, that we are hurting. He knows that we are growing and changing and full of his love.

He knows what we need and where he is taking us. He knows it today and he knew it 2 years ago.

It is up to us to trust and believe and hold his promises. He is the faithful never changing Almighty God. The God that loves us so much that he wants us to be conformed to him more than he wants us to be comfortable.

2 years ago I wouldn’t have been able to look at you and tell you all the good that is happening in our lives from this trial. 2 years ago I was not thankful, I was not forgiving, and I was overwhelmed with hurt.

Today, I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that God loves me and my family. That he is holding us in the palm of his all powerful hands. That he provides everything we need and often before I know I need it. Today my heart is totally in love with the wonderful man that my husband is becoming.

That my friends is a miracle of Biblical proportions.

**After I posted this I finally found my actual journal entry from this day 2 years ago.

“Yesterday was day one of the sentence. We survived!

It wasn’t so bad–it was rather normal. When he left to report in the morning, I cried. I don’t know–it just stinks!

I went back to bed and curled up under the covers and prayed. I need God’s strength to face this because I honestly have none of my own. I am SO tired.

The Lord strengthened me. When I got up , I went through my old journal , re-reading the studies I had done a few years ago. Wow! what wisdom in God’s word.

I had forgotten many of the steps I had laid out for myself so long ago.

I stayed busy all day. I ran errands, got groceries, and cleaned the house.

Bedtime was rough. He was really upset and said “Can’t you just call daddy and ask him to come cuddle with me?”

Poor kid. I was trying not to cry too.

It took me longer to fall asleep too. I’m used to sharing the bed and it felt too big and too cold.

But we survived. One day down…..313 more to go.

God help us!”


4 Thoughts Shared to 2 years

  1. Vicki

    I’m glad you posted at my blog so I could find you. Reading about your trial here, my tears started to flow. My heart goes out to you and your family, but I’m deeply encouraged by your faith. The Lord brings us through things we never would have imagined. Thank you for this blog. Without a doubt, it will minister to many, just as it ministers to me tonight. Your spirit is beautiful and gentle. I praise God for His loving provision and care for you, especially in these difficult times.

    Sending love and prayers.


  2. Piper

    Keep pouring out your heart with your written words – you’ve got so many deep thoughts and I believe God is going to use them to help someone else. ++ {{Hugs}}

    Love you!

  3. Patricia

    I, too, am grateful that you posted in my blog. I have read every entry of yours to this point and am truly inspired by your faith and willingness to share your deepest hurts that it might bring hope to others. God bless you in abundance, dear sister in Christ! Patricia

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