The old homestead

by adustyframe ~ December 29th, 2006

Today, I went for a massage.

The lady said I should go every month. Apparently I have a lot of tense spots. (Wonder why?) I tried not to laugh at her. Every month would be fabulous.

I was there because some who love me paid for it for me as a birthday gift.

Otherwise, my sore spots and I would still be hanging out together.

This spa was in the town that we grew up in.  On a whim, I turned onto the street leading to our old home.

As I drove slowly down the street, I saw so many changes. Most of our old neighbors don’t live there anymore. I slowed way down in front of “our” house.

It looks the same.

There is a “for rent” sign out front. Probably for my apartment.

My first apartment was the upper flat above my parents. It’s where my  husband kissed me for the first time.

So many years we lived there. So many milestones.

I felt tears sting my eyes. It’s been so long since we’ve all been together.

I thought about how tiny my baby brother was when we moved there. Now he’s planning a wedding for next year.

A couple months ago, when my brother was visiting us for the weekend he told me that he told his fiancee that if my husband gets out before the wedding, she has to find something for him to do too.

Then he looked at me with sad eyes and said “Won’t that be awful if he’s not there?”

That thought left me in tears that whole day.

Today too.

I had a lump in my throat.

“Please God don’t make us have a reunion without him.” 

Sometimes, I think about all this and feel disheartened . Sometimes I can’t believe that this even happened. I can’t believe we still have no answers.

Sometimes, yes I still fight anger at my husband for doing this to us.

Then I am so sad that we are unable to truly be a family.

Especially now that God has restored our marriage.

I know he is working this to our good. I know he is.

I just can’t help but pray

“Oh Jesus please please let him come home.” 

See? sometimes it’s alright that we have no answers because I can still have hope.


8 Thoughts Shared to The old homestead

  1. Ame

    “Sometimes, yes I still fight anger at my husband for doing this to us.”

    if this were not so, you would not be human.

    i am so sorry for your pain.

    Dear Holy God, I trust You. I trust Your Sovereignty. I ask that if at all possible, please allow this man to be a part of this special time in the life of this family. I lift her up to You; cover her with Your blood of Jesus. By the authority of the blood of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit, I ask You to fill her with Your strength and power, for You did not give her a spirit of timidity or fear, but You gave her one of power, and I call on that power of the Holy Spirit to fill her in a supernatural way right now. Thank You, Jesus. I love You, Ame

  2. Patricia

    Dearest Friend….please know that your name is frequently being lifted up to the Father. You have been in my thoughts and prayers more times than you can imagine. Much love, Patricia

  3. Janean

    Ouch. That last line about not knowing so you could still have hope…
    I remember.
    Keep up the hope, girlfriend. Even after you know. “All things work together for Good to those who Love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.”

  4. Susanna

    We are praying those same words too. With lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  5. Robin

    Praying that he will be home in time to go to your brother’s wedding with you.

  6. jodi

    This is kinda going a different direction then most of the comments, but as far as the massage goes…have you checked if there is a massage school in your area? Usually those places are cheaper, and *sometimes* God will even let an instructor befriend you and call you when they get back from training so they can “practice all the new things I learned before I try teaching it to my students” (and “guinea pig massages” often come free!)

  7. Ame

    thank you for your comments and support.

    yes – i wish people would get that helping people is helping someone else, not themselves. i’m going to begin looking for another church for that very reason – they can’t help me unless i fall within their guidelines of how a person should need help. it’s been a very difficult and hard road at church.

  8. MaggieRaye

    Wow! I was just scanning through some of your other recent posts and I fell on this one. I can’t begin to imagine the struggle. You are right and it was a good reminder for me also, even when we don’t have the answer, as long as we have Christ there is hope.

    I’ve added you to my list of single mom’s that I pray for.

    Blessings, MaggieRaye

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