Flashing lights
by adustyframe ~ March 9th, 2007I woke up to flashing lights the other night.
It was about 1 in the morning.
My immediate thought was, “Dear God, please don’t let that be for me.”
I hoped that it wasn’t an officer needing to knock on my door to tell me something I didn’t want to hear.
That probably sounds so ridiculous to you, but that’s where I am.
I think of things that would have seriously never crossed my mind before.
Thankfully the lights were snow plows scooping snow banks off the sides of the road.
I of course had to get up and check.
I leaned my head on the window and thanked God that is was something so small. I could go back to bed.
This reminded me of another time shortly after all this began.
I was at my store and a police car pulled into the driveway. I could see him park very purposefully and walk slowly into the store.
My heart was beating hard in my chest and all I could think was that my husband was hurt or there was some sort of serious problem.
The officer walked into the store–packing heat by the way.
He looked around and found a few things to purchase.
I breathed a sigh of relief and waited for my heart to slow down.
After he left, the other customer in the store said, “He freaked me out! He was wearing his gun.”
I do not fear the police, I don’t want you to get that from my post.
I thought perhaps these stories would illustrate to you how all of this has changed me. How little things often feel huge and as much as I know in my head that flashing lights do not equal bad news, my heart still hasn’t quite caught on.
March 9th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
I have been waiting for over 3 years for my heart to catch up, someday it will. I think, for me, this experience just totally changed what my first instinct will be. When my phone rings unexpectedly in the early morning, my heart still stops for a minute. When I see an officer, I briefly panick inside. I honestly do not know if that will ever go away.
March 10th, 2007 at 12:26 am
i’m sorry. it’s like it’s your “new normal” for awhile – perhaps even for a long time. amazing what our experiences do to our “thinking.” i’m sorry.
March 16th, 2007 at 5:27 pm
I do understand how you feel. It is the way I relate to the telephone ringing late at night since we’ve have lost so many family members, two just last year, hubby’s mother and my father. I feel I must get over this too, but it isn’t easy.
Thinking of you today!
Hugs & Prayers,
~ Bonnie