Not what we hoped for
by adustyframe ~ April 18th, 2007Today was a beautiful day.
The sun was shining. My son had a day off of school. We had a pleasant morning and afternoon.
The store was pleasant.
On the drive home from the store, I thought, “You know God. I love my life. I’m thankful for the way you have taken care of us and provided for us. I’m thankful that you are seeing us through this.”
It sort of felt weird to say to myself that I love my life. But I do. Aside from missing my husband horribly, this has been a precious time of growth for me. Hard and stinky but still precious.
When we got home, I noticed that the daffodils were almost open. Mmm…
I had to feed James dinner before he went to Bible club. I had to get myself ready for going out to dinner. An employee of mine is having a baby soon, so we let her choose her favorite restaurant and planned to spend the evening together.
I checked the mail.
Letter from the attorney. “hmmm must be about which court is hearing Lee’s case….”
I had a silly feeling that perhaps I shouldn’t open it until I got home after dinner.
James went outside to play. I could hear him singing as he came in and out for another toy he wanted.
As I read the letter, I realized it was a decision.
My stomach tightened and I asked God to please help me.
As I read I realized that we were not going to have the decision we hoped for.
We lost the appeal.
That is not easy to say. I knew that there was a good chance we would lose. I knew however, that we had won this case one time and so there was a good chance we could win.
Some of the facts of the case were wrong in the decision. I don’t know if that means anything. I have to speak to the attorney’s office tomorrow and ask if this is “it”.
Apparently, the appeal wasn’t really to consider the facts, but to determine if the judge that overturned our win acted in a capricious manner. (Not quite sure what capricious entails.)
The appeal judge said that no the judge that overturned our win did not act in a capricious manner.
So, the wishes, hopes, and prayers that Lee would soon come home have to be laid aside.
I knew that we could lose. Yet, I still hoped for a “made for TV” scene where he came out of those doors and we went home together.
I listened to James singing and choked back the lump in my throat. I hurt so horribly for him. This is not the plan we had for this precious little boy.
I took a deep breath and told myself that I could not fall apart. I didn’t want to upset my son and I had to be out in public in half an hour.
I went into the bathroom to fix my hair.
God flooded me with his all sufficient grace and peace.
I made it out the door and dropped James off at Bible club. I made it through the dinner.
God knew that I needed a reason to not curl up in a ball tonight. He even worked out the details for me to go away this weekend and take a little break.
I do not know what God is doing here. I do not understand. I know that tears will be plentiful. Probably about the time I turn off this computer and go to bed.
But he must be up to something. He knows.
I struggled just a little bit with wondering what in the world am I going to do for another year. I wrestled with the knowledge that he could have changed this in an instant.
I listened to my son singing and playing and felt incredible sorrow for him.
God knows about the struggles I faced tonight and the struggles I’ll face over the next days coming to terms with this loss.
I am so thankful that he extended his peace to me tonight. I literally felt it cover me.
I am dealing (so far) with this far better than I did last summer when our win was overturned. That loss devastated me. Recovering from that shock took me many weeks.
Please do not think I am some weirdo that doesn’t feel or hurt. I’m not happily saying “No big deal.”
It is only God. It’s not even explainable.
I don’t think that Lee knows. I will have to tell him when I visit him tomorrow.
Please pray for him to not be totally discouraged or angry. Please pray that God will be preparing his heart even tonight and tomorrow. I am asking God to flood Lee’s heart with the same peace he flooded mine with tonight.
Lee takes things very hard and he’s already been tired and defeated this week.
I don’t know why things don’t change. I am trying desperately to hold onto God and believe what I know to be true of him. I pray that Lee will also hold onto God.
Satan has attacked both of us for so long and the battle gets so overwhelming.
My only encouragement from his attacks is that God truly must have some way to use us. Some way to redeem what is meant for “evil” to be something good in our lives.
Please pray for us.
We need God’s peace and grace right now.
April 18th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
Lizzie, I am so sorry. That is really devestating. How great and wonderful the mighty and powerful peace of Almighty God! I have no answers, but I love you, girl. Another year does seem like forever. There have been many, many times I have walked through my house saying out loud, “I trust You, God. I trust You. I don’t understand any of this. This is horrible. I’m falling apart. But I totally trust You.” Sometimes I wasn’t even sure I believed it, but I chose to state the truth anyway. It has really carried me through many times … and I know will carry me through many more.
Dear Holy God, I lift Lizzie and James up to You, Holy God. Cover them with a thick blanket of Your peace and love and compassion. Draw them into Your intimacy and protection. And especially, Lord, I pray for Lee tonight … even as he sleeps, speak to Him, Lord. Give him a dream, a vision, a knowing, that You are Sovereign and totally in control and that You love him and that You know what he’s going through and knew it even before now; You’ve always known. And I ask that You prepare him, Lord, to know, to accept, to relax into this place where he is rather than fighting it. May he be covered with such a calm, such a peace, that his eyes sparkle through the pain. Lord, will You reveal the truth to Lee before anyone else says a word to him? Will You tell Lee and comfort him and cover him with You? That is what I ask, Lord, that You alone would show Lee this truth and that You alone would draw him into deep, deep intimacy and protection with You – so much so that he cannot even describe it. May his eyes and heart fill with tears from the depth of the love he experiences with You tonight and through the morning. You are Sovereign, Holy God. And we do not understand. But we trust You, Lord. Even when all our emotion and feeling and circumstance leaves us in a perpetual state of intense PMS
we choose to trust You alone. We trust You. I love You, Ame
April 18th, 2007 at 11:25 pm
Thank you Ame. Truly.
April 19th, 2007 at 2:44 am
oh, oh, oh…. oh, I’m so so so sorry. You must feel like the bottom has fallen out of your world. Will you tell James, or was he unaware that Lee might have been coming home? I will pray for you tonight, that you and Lee will be flooded with the Peace that passes all understanding. I pray God will minister to your bruised and battle weary heart while you sleep, and that you will know when you wake that he held you in His arms close to His Dear Father Heart all night long. This is such a blow. I will offer no platitudes, but my deepest sympathies, and most heartfelt prayers.
April 19th, 2007 at 4:13 am
Lizzie, I am so very sorry. My heart literally aches for you as I read this, and yet I am rejoicing at how I see the Father miraculously at work, manifesting His presence in your life in tangible ways that are unmistakable. I am agreeing with Ame’s prayer and will continue to pray for all of you throughout the day as you face one more giant in this battle, fully equipped in Christ. Much love, Patricia
April 19th, 2007 at 6:04 am
Thank you for visiting me. I am sorry the prayers did not go the way you had hoped. I have felt that dissapointment, know God could have changed it. But so many times later on in life when I look back (you know 20/20 vision) I can see why God did what he did. And sometimes we may never know why he answered the way he answered.
But I do know,
1. God is faithful.
2. God is there right there with you
3. He will provide comfort to you in this difficult time. To your whole family.
4. And God keeps his promises.
Praise God that no matter what is around me, be it darkness or whatever, He is there for me to cling to.
Praying for you today.
April 19th, 2007 at 7:13 am
I am so sorry. Praying for you all here.
April 19th, 2007 at 7:33 am
I have read your blog for months now and have never commented until today. Your faith is astonishing and has blessed me tremendously. I am praying. That’s all I wanted to say to you. I am praying for all of you. Hold fast and know that God has you firmly in His grip.
dawnz
April 19th, 2007 at 7:49 am
*delurking*
dear lizzy. praying intently for you, your son, and your husband. I will pray continued grace and peace upon each of you.
Mary
April 19th, 2007 at 8:10 am
Hard and stinky……….. but still precious.
maybe in the looking back it will be precious again??? Praying for you all ….
April 19th, 2007 at 8:16 am
Lizzie, I had tingles all over (and tears) as I read your post. I feel your news in the back of my throat. Praying for you and Lee and James all day today. God has a perfect plan. And His promise to you is true. That I know and believe. Praying.
April 19th, 2007 at 8:26 am
I want to thank each of you for your kind words and prayers.
Of course I was crying as I read each comment.
Your prayers mean so much to us today.
Thank you.
April 19th, 2007 at 9:07 am
I am just so sorry. I am praying.
April 19th, 2007 at 9:10 am
I will be praying for you and your family.
April 19th, 2007 at 10:06 am
So sorry Lizzy, I am thinking of all three of you! God has proven faithful with your family so far and he will also with the next steps. May he surround you with many people that can help filling in the emptiness and make each day a bit easier to live.
April 19th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Praying that God will continue to show Himself strong to you, your husband and your little one.
April 19th, 2007 at 11:40 am
Oh Lizzie,
I am so sorry–I just don’t know what to say. My heart aches for all of you. I will be praying for you… telling Lee will be hard. I pray that he seeks comfort in the Lord in the coming days. ~Jenn
April 19th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
I am sorry that you did not receive the decision that you wanted. I am praying for God to take you in His arms and comfort you.
April 19th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
I’m feeling such sorrow for your family right now. I am just amazed at the depth of your faith; it is good you have that to hold onto, especially during times of crisis.
I hope things will somehow turn around for you.
April 19th, 2007 at 10:01 pm
Lizzie, when I first started reading this post I was so overwhelmed by your faith, the testimony you were bearing to all who chose to read it and then I got to the news and even before you revealed what was there I knew that it would be something difficult but I also knew that you would be able to handle it. Afterall, you just talked about His goodness and mercy. How He has blessed you thus far and we all know that where He leadeth there is light, there is hope, there is peace and joy and comfort. So although this is hard, it is not impossible to bear because you are not alone. I am not sorry for you because what is happening is His will and although we might not comprehend the reasons there is much to be gained by this trial. I have discovered that and more from you as I have gobbled up every little morsel you have put out there for us to partake of. I applaud you and your faith and I know that this too will bring you closer to whatever it is He has in store for you and your family. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I lift you up to Him for strength, healing, tender mercies and most of all peace that surpasses all understanding. You, Lee and James will be fine. This too shall pass and all will be revealed at the appointed place and time and only then will you come to truly understand the love He has for you.
Warmest blessing my dear.
April 20th, 2007 at 9:25 am
Looking unto to Jesus the author and finisher of our faith.
My prayers are with you.
Jesus ever lives to make intercession for you. He is sitting at the right hand of the Father interceeding for you.
April 21st, 2007 at 10:57 am
I’m so sorry. We don’t know why God is allowing this but I heard this prayer once and it’s helped me a lot.
“Lord, its not our place to ask why, but to trust you. Please help us trust you.”
August 13th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
[...] Not what we hoped for [...]
December 31st, 2007 at 3:53 pm
[...] Not What We Hoped For we lost our appeal. [...]