Feeling tired
by adustyframe ~ May 4th, 2007Today I am feeling so tired. So overwhelmed by everything I have to do.
I try to not whine, but this will probably sound like it.
People are visiting Lee without telling me. He only gets 3 visits a week. I’m hoping that I don’t show up one night to visit him and find out someone was already there that day.
Then I feel badly that I’m having a hard time sharing him.
I am.
I want all the visits to myself. I only want to share them if I can’t make a visit.
I really just want him to be here to give me a hug when I want one. I just want our lives back. For all of us to live in the same place.
I want this to be over. I want him to work and me to stay home.
But it’s not over. Today, I told myself “just a year”.
Somedays that’s just too long.
I have allergies that are taking a toll on me. I’ve never before had allergies and I’m feeling horrible right now.
I got some over the counter medicine to take finally. It’s helping a little bit.
At times like this, when the house needs attention, when my son needs attention, when I’m tired, I just want to throw the covers over my head and howl.
I really don’t know how to do it all. I feel like I’m going into meltdown mode.
I’ve been cleaning and organizing the house. Then I realized I haven’t been cooking decent meals lately.
It’s one or the other. I really just cannot keep a clean house, cook nice meals, and do everything else.
That bothers me. That’s not like me to not be able to handle the homemaking.
Then I hate this. I hate that I’m alone. That I’m so tired. That my son isn’t getting everything he needs from me and certainly not from his daddy.
I know that God knows. I know that he extends his grace. I’m just tired of this battle tonight.
May 4th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
I am sorry! I am praying for you tonight. I pray that you will get better, not feel alone, and will feel encouragement as only God’s love can provide.
May 4th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
Oh Lizzie. Thinking of you tonight. It’s okay to howl sometimes. The psalmists asked God “How long?!” often:
Psalm 6:
2 Have mercy upon me, O LORD; for I am weak: O LORD, heal me; for my bones are vexed.
3 My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O LORD, how long?
4 Return, O LORD, deliver my soul: oh save me for thy mercies’ sake.
We cry to the Lord and give it to him. And sometimes it simply all gushes out and we lie there, just a weak little puddle.
Praying for you tonight.
May 4th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
Dear Dusty frame,
I have been visiting your blog quite frequently, but today I would like to comment. I want you to know that I am praying for you, your husband, & your son. I also want to encourage you that it is so normal for a wife to want all the visits with her husband that she can get. I will be praying that you won’t have to miss any of those visits. I understand a little of your separation. My husband was in Iraq for 6 months, I missed him something terribly. I will be praying that this year flies by & that you will have the strength to keep up the things you have to do. I want you to know that your blog is so encouraging!! I can see God’s spirit in all you write, even in your struggles. I want to thank you for that encouragement!! I know that you know God loves you, but please know there are those of us out here that love you as well-even though we have never met!! Your sister in Christ!!
May 4th, 2007 at 11:14 pm
yes … yes … i understand.
your wanting your husband all to yourself is GOOD and healthy and normal … only three visits a week … i would be jealous of that time, too. remember … God is jealous of our time
i can’t do it all, either. i’m keeping my house perfect b/c it’s on the market again, but that means a lot must fall to the side, like the extra time i spent with my girls. WE SIMPLY CAN NOT, NOT, NOT DO IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are NORMAL!!!!!!! but it is still infuriating, isn’t it. i am sorry. get some good rest. this is the worst allergy season in many, many years. i always remind myself (when my house is not on the market) – that getting it clean is just a day … just a day of housecleaning. but time with my kids today will be gone when today is gone.
you really are doing great … this year will fly by
Dear God, please draw Lizzie back into You … may she stop trying to look at the great big picture and focus only on You … draw her eyes and heart back to You. Lord, please provide a way for Lizzie to get all the time with Lee she needs. May there be a way for others to, perhaps, call her first and arrange the time they spend with Lee so there be no mix up and so she is not deprived of her precious time with her husband. Their time together is critical for their marriage; please provide a way that works for all involved. I love You, Ame
May 4th, 2007 at 11:14 pm
btw – please consider posting this on The Covering
May 5th, 2007 at 7:27 am
Thank you all for your support.
That medicine seems to be helping quite a bit and I rested well last night.
Not “all better” yet but getting there:)
Thanks
May 5th, 2007 at 9:30 am
So sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, but I do understand. We all feel that way at some time or other and feel that we are not doing as well as we should be. Don’t be down on yourself. You have a lot on your plate. I know it is hard, but take it one day at a time. I know it won’t be much comfort to you now, but as my Mother always says to me, “This too shall pass.”
May 5th, 2007 at 7:20 pm
Lizzie,
Sorry you are feeling under the weather.
I was not aware that the “3 visits per week” were per inmate. I thought each visitor was limited to 3X/wk. Perhaps the other visitors aren’t aware of the rule, or had a similar misunderstanding? I’d suggest tactfully phoning the other visitors to just let them know about the visitation rule, and that you are asking everyone to arrange a visitation schedule with you because there are so many that want to see Lee now that he is local, and you feel it is important to be able to spend time with Lee frequently for the sake your marriage. (Whew, sorry…run-on sentence!)
BTW, I admire how great a job you are doing running a business, homeschooling, and single parenting. You are the real super-mom!
I’ll keep you in my prayers tonight.
May 5th, 2007 at 9:56 pm
Thank you all for your kindness and prayers.
It is encouraging to me when you share that you can see God moving in my life and writing.
That is my goal.
I so appreciate you prayers and kind words.
God is so good to bring supporters here for me.
Oh and let me say the allergy medicine is working superbly! phew!
Thank you!
Lizzie
May 6th, 2007 at 8:56 am
Praying for you, Lizzie. It is SO hard and there are many days when I want to give up as well.
I told the neighbor “if you see me running down the street in my pajamas pulling my hair out and screaming, at least you will know I finally went off the deep end!”
God bless your socks off, my friend. I am SO happy that you have a day to look forward to Lee coming home! Praise God!
May 8th, 2007 at 6:39 am
One more year…this made me think of someone who is planning a wedding. It seems like a year is a long time and then before you know it, it’s over and the special day is here. You are going to have a very special day in a year and we will all be here to rejoice with you! For now…prayers are going up for you and your family.
May 23rd, 2007 at 9:30 pm
Janean–lol!
Robin–that is a good way to think about it.