I didn’t know

by adustyframe ~ July 25th, 2007

I didn’t know that our friendly neighbor–

The one

*that waves at us on sunny afternoons across the fence

*that smiles at James splashing in the pool

*that takes his baby girl on stroller rides and shops at our store

*that chats with James and I while he’s shopping

That one?

I didn’t know he was a prison guard.

Apparently he changes before coming home.

I’ve never seen him in that uniform walking up the driveway waving over the fence.

Tonight, while visiting Lee, I spied him.

I thought at first my brain was playing tricks on me.

On closer inspection, nope! It’s him.

I didn’t look his direction all evening. I didn’t see that he actually noticed me.

That’s ok with me.  When I left my visit, he was standing at the desk right by the exit.

He didn’t acknowledge that he recognized me.

I don’t suppose he’d want to even if he did.

What would he say to his co-workers? “Hey! It’s my neighbor. Good to see ya!”

These are not surprises I enjoy!

Thankfully, he wasn’t hollering at anyone. He was just doing his job.

I was just wondering why it still bothers me so much to see people at the prison that I know from elsewhere.

Maybe this caring if people find out our news, is my own quirky problem that I just need to learn to deal with.

Lizzie

10 Thoughts Shared to I didn’t know

  1. Ame

    You know, Lizzie, he may have already known. It would be professional for him to not acknowlege you if you do not give him permission.

    I’m sorry you carry this burden so heavily. It is a difficult burden … the truth. But it is a burden God wants to carry for you. And it’s not something to deal with or live with, it’s something you must work through … a grieving process, too … you’ve lost a lot through all this (not to discount what God has done, but to see reality as it is). Perhaps there will come a day when the circumstances will not so deftly define you.

    Dear God, I love You, and I love Your precious daughter, Lizzie. Her burden is too great for her to carry, and it defines her when You have already defined her in You. Love her, Jesus, as You walk her through these days. Enable her to develop and bloom in Jesus’ Lizzie and to shed any other perception she has of herself. It is hard. Very hard. But it is not too hard for You. Thank You for guiding us through process and not demanding we be right now, but rather You guide us as we become. You are awesome God, and I love You! Ame

  2. adustyframe

    Thank you, Ame. For some reason your comments make me cry! I think it’s because you understand hardship and your comfort is coming from all your hurts you’ve had to carry!
    Thank you.

  3. celina

    i agree i think he was showing you respect….. much more professional than hey i wondered where your hubby was…etc…so i bet he will pray for you, and continue to wave to you……you’ve survived this long…with the strenght of God…and you’ll continue to succeed, he’s seen the grace you show, the way you care for your child, and now he knows the challenge you face, he likely respects you even more….i know i do….

  4. Katherine

    I feel for you, that you had an uncomfortable moment like that…

    It sounds like he’s a nice neighbor and that he respects your privacy~his friendliness probably won’t change towards you!

    I hope you’re having a good week!
    :)Kat

  5. Chel

    Maybe seeing this gentleman should reassure you instead of making you uneasy. You know from watching him around your home that he is a gentle and caring man. Isn’t that exactly the type of man you want around your husband during this difficult time? If it were me, I’d take some comfort in knowing that if there was one kind and genuine man serving as a guard, the odds are good that there are others. And that would make me smile.

  6. adustyframe

    Celina–thanks for checking in:) I was wondering how you are doing.
    Thank you for your kind words. You always say something that cheers me up.

    Katherine–Thank you 🙂

    Chel–that’s a very good way to think about it!
    Thank you.

  7. Ame

    i have had to work through a lot … it took me an unbelivable number of years to even speak the word, pornography, much less to write about it or admit it existed or to admit my then husband had a problem with it. it took me a very, very long time to be able to say i was married to a sex addict. it was SOOO hard to separate what he did from who i am … to take off the layers of guilt he had placed on me and i had taken upon myself. when i discover who i am and who i am not, i am more free to be me.

    i’ve had to go thru that with my parents and all that abuse, too.

    and now i’m working through it again with all the diagnoses my Youngest has … it is so very difficult for me to accept and deal with, as we’ve discussed in email.

    there will come a day, someday, when it won’t “stick” to you anymore because you don’t let it.

    stay with this group of ladies. telling your story over and over and over causes it to loose its power over you. pray for God to provide more and more opportunities to verbally speak your story, releasing it from within over and over, till there’s nothing left to release from within … and till when you look inside there’s simply Lizzie and God … no more stuff that doesn’t belong to you. it takes a looong time … and that’s okay … it should … the offense is deep … and it would cheapen the offense to disreguard it so flippantly or quickly. the offense is serious and deep, and so must the healing be.

    it gets hard when others get tired of you still being in the same place. of course you’re not in the same place, but they can’t see that b/c all they’re looking at is whether it’s behind you yet or not. don’t let that stress you. you only have to answer to God, and God is NEVER in a hurry, NEVER. it is simply toooooo hard to hurry through … like taking a man who has broken both legs in multiple places and asking him to stand up and walk out of the hospital unattended and without any kind of cast or support. that would be rediculous. and so it is with where you are. it would be rediculous for this to come swiftly or easily. it IS hard. and you’re doing great. keep moving forward … even if only one fraction of a hair at a time … ’cause that’s okay, too.

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  10. Louise

    Ame, thanks for that comment about being defined by our circumstances .. when our definition should be (and in fact is) in Jesus. Very profound. Thank you for letting God speak truth through you!

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