We were one of “those” couples last week
by adustyframe ~ February 13th, 2008Maintaining a “normal” marriage relationship in the midst of an incarceration is next to impossible.
Aside from the horrendous stresses incarceration provides–loss of provider, legal bills, no control of your life–the absolute lack of privacy ranks up there as one of the hardest things to deal with.
Any marriage relationship must be worked at to maintain good communication. In prison, it’s beyond difficult.
So, last Friday night, we were one of “those” couples.
We were arguing in the visiting room!
I always feel very uncomfortable when the couples next to us start arguing. It’s so annoying and yes, I hear every word. Often words that I do not care to have entering my ears!
Last week, Lee told me a story that he told another inmate. It was a story that in my opinion was very unflattering to me. That I was unwilling to help, speak to him nasty, etc.
I felt that it was an insult to me and that he used it to make the other guy laugh about how nasty I am in order to gain some help Lee needed on a project.
I was deeply offended and told Lee so. I told him that I NEVER speak poorly of him. I think I said,
“You know what!? If ANYONE could speak badly about their husband it would be me and I never do.”
He looked at me astonished. His eyes wide, blinking slowly.
“I didn’t say anything bad about you!”
Oh my word man! So I explained to him the words he used and the tone of voice he used weren’t flattering to me. He said he was telling the story to say how talented I was.
Obviously we were not anywhere near the same wave length. We did some more “discussing” and as I felt our voices getting louder, I said,
“Let’s just stop ok?”
Usually, Lee is the one that refuses to work through a situation. In the past, he’d walk away from a conflict and never revisit it. I on the other hand would not let it go. You can imagine that didn’t work to well for us, huh?
He said very calmly, “No, we need to resolve this.”
I was the one looking at him with wide eyes, blinking slowly.
Alrighty then! I wanted to quit and he wanted to resolve it. What a HUGE change in our marriage and communication skills.
We talked about it. He listened when I shared how his story hurt my feelings and how it sounded to me. He shared what he meant and that he now understood how I could have taken it wrong.
Amazing! We both sat back and smiled at each other.
“I’m pretty proud of us.” Lee said with a grin.
Yes! So proud of us and so thankful to God for helping us.
You see falling in love again is fabulous, but the problems we had still have to be worked through. We still have to continue to grow and learn. Seeing that we can communicate and see each other’s viewpoint is a massive step in the right direction.
He wrote me a letter about it this week. He reminded me how special he thinks I am and that he doesn’t want to represent me badly. He said once again how proud of us he was.
Tonight at our visit, we discussed this “communicating” thing we did last week. We both grinned and decided we’re pretty amazing!
The fact that both of us KEEP talking about it shows how huge it really is.
God is so good to restore our love and to help us find the tools to make our marriage so much better.
Now if only we could kiss and make up…..
February 14th, 2008 at 12:16 am
I am so excited to see how God is just growing your marriage. What a blessing & encouragement it is to the rest of us. I look forward to seeing what is new in your lives & how the Lord is working!!
Thank you, Andrea:)
February 14th, 2008 at 12:37 am
One of those guys and gals interpret things differently. I’m so glad you guys worked it out in a godly and calm way. God really is working greatly in your lives.
Yes he is! Guys/girls and interpretation can really be an obstacle sometimes!
February 14th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Oh Lizzie, thanks for sharing that story so vulnerably! How beautiful the way God is building something amazing in your guys’ lives.
His love is greater than anything!
~sheila
Sheila, thank you. God is so good and I’m thankful that he enables me to realize these steps are answers to prayer.
February 14th, 2008 at 7:37 am
I’m so glad you were able to talk it out. And that kiss-and-make up day will come, and you’ll have a chance to make up for lost time.
Barbara, making up for lost time sounds good to me;)
February 14th, 2008 at 8:07 am
“Now if only we could kiss and make up…..”
All these *kisses* and *making up* you two are storing up … OMW!!! You’ll be able to melt feet of snow when he comes home!!! hehehehehe
You’ll have that ex vp exploding, “See! I told you we’ve got global warming!!! Just look how hot it is!!” hahahahaha
***
THIS IS SOOO AWESOME!!!!! Tell Lee I said so!
Haha;0 Storing up all this kissing and making up is another post for another day;) Good old Al is a subject I tend to avoid here;)
February 14th, 2008 at 9:01 am
That’s awesome, Lizzie. What an encouraging step … it gives you hope for all the other steps to come. Faith building on faith. God is faithful!
I love this statement: “You see falling in love again is fabulous, but the problems we had still have to be worked through.” It’s a simple thought, but it struck me how wise an insight that is.
It is very encouraging. Huge really.
February 14th, 2008 at 9:02 am
That is awesome, Lizzie!
One of the best things you can learn about communication in marriage is how to fight well. (i.e. without inflicting deep pain, and to be able to come to a resolution)
My husband and I have a long way to go in that department! He just refuses to fight!
Communication is a LOT of hard work! I think we feel it should be easy but it’s not.
What a blessing it’s been to me that Lee is willing to do the work now!
February 14th, 2008 at 10:23 am
“You see falling in love again is fabulous, but the problems we had still have to be worked through. We still have to continue to grow and learn”
You are so in my head with this. I’m having to learn this lesson… thanks!
You’re welcome–it’s not all rosey and perfect even when we’re madly in love.
February 14th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Happy Valentines Day….I pray you feel the love of Christ, the love of your readers, and the love of your precious family, Pam,South Bend
Thank you, Pam:)!
February 14th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Thanks for sharing! Great to read you were both able to talk it out. God is so good and brings so many things to light when separated from each other.
Take it from me…Kissin’ and makin’ up is worth the wait!!! : ) Oh, what the average marriage misses out on when there is no separation….we wouldn’t have wished it on anyone, but certainly found blessings in even the visiting room disagreements that others wouldn’t have been able to learn from.
Thankful for your steps forward! : )
*Read the book “Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti”…great book for couples from a Christian perspective!
Thank you for stopping by! You are an encouragement to me because you’ve been there. I’ll take your word for it that it’s worth the wait;)
February 14th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
That truly is a blessing that you’re learning to talk things through and neither of you is hiding/stuffing down angry or hurt feelings. I’m sorry you fought, of course; that always feels yucky. However, you are so right in that God is working in both of you and working through those moments His way is just part of the process.
Ivo and I are being brought to a similar place in our marriage and growing intimacy, although obviously the circumstances are much different. Just recently, I let him see me cry for the first time in I’m not sure how many years. He didn’t attack me, but rather we talked through the problem and it was better that way. It sounds like God is doing AMAZING things in your marriage. Even though it’s less dramatic in mine, I still know how good that feels. I hope you have a nice visit with Lee next time you go!
((Hugs)) Marie. I’m glad to hear that God is working in your marriage too!
February 15th, 2008 at 2:07 am
You know what? All the money that has just been spent on one day (Feb 14th) is worth nothing compared tp what you and Lee and building up. Your marriage will come out of this so strong, your love will be so real- you both truly know what that word means- and I thank God for His great dealings with you.