Questions
by adustyframe ~ December 1st, 2008I know that Lee not being able to home doesn’t make sense to you.
It doesn’t make sense to us.
I have not shared what Lee did because that’s a decision we both made. When I asked Pastor he said to say, “He did something wrong. He’s paying for it. God is changing him.”
That pretty much sums it up.
NO. Lee’s offense had nothing to do with James and in the beginning, Lee came home in the afternoons to care for James while I was at the store. So there wasn’t nor has there ever been a reason that Lee cannot be with James.
I know you are baffled, but please know that we are too. My family is baffled. I am baffled. Lee is baffled. Our Pastor is baffled.
We simply do not know and a reason has not been shared for the decision. We have appealed it as high as we can appeal it and nothing has changed.
So while it really really stinks and many tears have been shed over it, we are in a place of waiting and submitting to authority.
All we can think is that for some reason God has allowed this in our lives.
I’ve asked God “Why?” myself and the only answer I get is “Trust me.”
A lady at church last week said to me, “You don’t know how personally upsetting this is to me. Every time I think about it I get so upset that Lee cannot be home. I see him with you and I see his tenderness and how he treats you and when I think that he can’t go home, I get so angry.”
If others around us are upset about it imagine how we feel? Overwhelmed, frustrated, confused…
An older lady asked me why Lee doesn’t stay for the church service. (I’ll have to explain how we “do” church in another post.)
I told her that Lee has to leave before James is dismissed from Sunday School because of his rules.
She said, “Well that’s the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard.” My sentiments exactly.
Lee has been struggling with anger and bitterness over this. I have told him that he needs to ask the Lord to help him turn it over to God.
Last week, his nephew said, “Man, I’ve been wanting to tell you that you have to give up the anger and bitterness over this. God can’t bless that. You need to be right and let God deal with all this.”
Good words. Hard to live by though aren’t they? Especially when it’s YOUR life, your child, your home that is in limbo.
Please pray for him to let go of his anger and bitterness.
This post wasn’t really planned but as I’m writing it, I think of another thing that I have a hard time with.
So many times people say to me things like, “I miss my husband” when he’s gone for 2 days on a business trip. Or “The kids miss their dad when he has to work late.” Or, “I can’t sleep when my husband is gone.”
Well of course everyone misses their family when someone is gone. I’m not saying that they shouldn’t but just once I wish I were brave enough to say, “If that’s how you feel, Imagine how we feel.” Or “Would you like to trade places?”
Think about that for a second. If your kids act up when dad is gone. Or you can’t sleep when your husband is gone. Or you have rough days when your husband works late, imagine how it is for me. (Or any other single mom).
I WISH my husband was only gone for 2 days on a business trip! I haven’t slept well one night in over 4 years and yes sometimes my son acts up because he misses his daddy. But for us it’s not short term. It’s all day every day and night.
One time a friend said to me, “I’m just like a single mom because my husband is gone on a trip this week.”
Oh honey! I’m sorry but you’re nothing like a single mom. If your husband is gone for a few days and you know when he’s coming home, it’s not the same. If he sends his paycheck home while he’s gone, it’s not the same.
It’s not “just like” being a single mom. It may be rough but being a single mom is completely unimaginable. I had no clue before I was one either. Even still, I can’t really say that I am one. Lee works and I can discuss decisions with him. He is still invested in our family and being as involved as possible. His heart is here and for that I am very thankful.
Many of my single mom friends have men who want nothing to do with them or their children. Dads who don’t pay the child support and other sad things.
So, I know that God is caring for us and I have it “good” compared to a lot of people. I try really hard not to complain. I bite my tongue when people freak out because their husband is gone for 2 days.
I try to be compassionate and understanding when people are dealing with things because we each have our own trials and we all need to depend on God. But sometimes I wish I was good at verbalizing to others how their complaints make me feel.
It’s not really my job though is it? I too need to take it to God and ask him to help others understand.
I was thinking about this recently with Christmas and Thanksgiving. We have so much to be thankful for even in the midst of this mess.
God is good and he is at work. We just have to wait and see what he’s up to.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I do understand a little of that “missing him” feeling. Back when I was married, my husband was not an American. I came “home” to get settled in the US without him. We could talk on the phone [though in those days it was outrageously expensive] and twice I got to go “back” to visit [again--extraordinarily expensive then]. Only the WWII wives had a clue. Their husbands were gone “for the duration” if they were Army or Marines and were never home unless wounded. Sometimes Sailors got home. It is very hard for you and I know that “ache” but did not have to experience it quite as long as you have. [Sadly because, for very "traditional" reasons we chose divorce before he was able to come to the US.] I am praying for you. I thought of you guys and your marriage when I was handed a “pre-order” flier for the “Fireproof” DVD at a Christian Bookstore this weekend.
Thank you, Lisa.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Is this arrangement for the duration of his parole? If so, how much longer will it go on? I can hardly imagine how difficult it is for everyone, but please, please don’t do anything that might cause his parole to be revoked.
No worries! We’re not doing anything on purpose to violate his rules. We haven’t been told how long this will go on.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I became a single mom when my daughter was 10.
He had alcohol and drug issues after returning from VietNam. He and his family basically abandond my daughter. I didn’t date for 15 years…..the Lord took amazing care of
us….many times I didn’t even realize what HE was doing for us. My ex passed away 4 years ago without ever reconcilling with her. I raised her in a Godly home and in a great church. She is now a wonderful faith filled college educated mom of 2 precious children who also love the Lord. Lizzie I hope you know you own none of us any explantions….I think all of us have grown to love you and your family and count it a privilege to pray for you even if we don’t really “know” you. By sharing your burden in prayer we share your burden in frustration…I know that the Lord sees all of this and “In His Time” you will all be reunited. Does Lee know about your blog and that many people pray for him?
Thank you, Pam. Thank you for your faithful prayers and encouragement as well as your support.
Yes, Lee knows about the blog. When he was in prison, I used to send him copies of the posts.
Thank you too for saying that I don’t owe you an explanation!
December 1st, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I just wanted to clarify lest my last post implied something I never meant it to, that I wasn’t asking you any questions… I know the specifics of the case and all that are things you’ve decided as a family not to share and I wasn’t asking you to, I was simply expressing my frustration. And I know too that if we who don’t even really know you are this frustrated, that yours must be magnified a thousand times more, which is sort of the reason I finally went ahead and posted it. Because when I was in my most frustrated moments in the situation I was in that you’re aware of, sometimes it helped just having a friend express their own frustration because I felt like maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t crazy of me to feel that way after all… That’s all.
Thanks! I know you weren’t asking but I also know that the questions do hover around here sometimes;).
I agree that sometimes just having someone say, “WOW that stinks.” really helps me to know that I’m not crazy!
December 1st, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I agree that what he did is really none of our business. As Pam said, no explanations are owed or needed.
I can only imagine how maddening it is for him not to be home and not to see James, especially when it doesn’t make sense and there is no reason given. All you can do is what you’re doing — trust the Lord and obey authority, knowing that “For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps…” There is no reason Lee shouldn’t see James, so that part of the punishment is unjust, but if he “takes it patiently” God does see and will reward him, I’m sure. Much easier said than done, though, I know.
I agree you can’t really say much to people who complain about lesser trials. On the TM list I am on, some people who are paralyzed or in constant pain were complaining about people who complained about “minor” things like a stubbed toe. But just because a pain or a trial is less than ours doesn’t mean it’s not a pain or trial for them (though hopefully if they’re sensitive they won’t complain about their stubbed toe in the presence of a quadriplegic.) I was reading a story the other day about a childless woman with her sister and friend who were tired after sleepless nights and kids bickering and were complaining, and the childless woman felt if she could just have kids, she’d never complain. I thought, “Yes, you would.” Whatever we’re going through at the moment is what we have to deal with, whether anyone else’s situation is worse or not. To say, “Try trading places” sounds like bitter one-upmanship. even though it isn’t meant that way. But to say, “Yes, I understand how hard that is — Lee’s been away for x number of months” might help them put it in perspective.
My husband has had to travel a lot regularly with his work, and early on I had a really hard time with it, especially when the kids were younger. It seemed the more I wailed to the Lord about how it wasn’t supposed to be that way, that I got married because I wanted to be with my husband, the more he had to travel. That still doesn’t compare, I know.
I am looking forward to the day when this trial ends for you all and you can all be together again. There will be new adjustments then, but just to be together will be wonderful, I know.
Barbara, you are right that it sounds bitter so I do not say it! Because I don’t mean it that way.
I liked what you said about complaining about a stubbed toe in front of a quadriplegic. Pretty insensitive even though the stubbed toe DOES hurt.
I’ve written a post before called Other People’s Trials. I fully do recognize that God is supplying Grace to us in this and that I do not want to deal with things other people are.
I don’t want to have an alcoholic husband. I don’t want brain cancer. I don’t want to have a child die. All these are things that I know others have to carry and so when I get frustrated I want to be careful that I’m not the one complaining about a lesser trial.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I agree that whatever he did is not our business. I am so frustrated on your behalf, and I know that can’t even compare with how YOU feel on your family’s behalf.
When my husband was active duty he would be overseas for two months at a time- and gone for short trips (two weeks at a time) several times during the year. I always said a special prayer for single mothers during that time, because I knew that while it was hard, it still wasn’t anything like what ‘real’ single moms go through- he loved us, he could call us, the children could understand it was the job that took their daddy away, not something he had chosen to do (other than the fact that he did choose that career, but that’s still different), we had his income, and I knew the date when it would all be over, just to begin the list.
I am so sorry= I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and not even to have a reason for it is beyond frustrating.
It would be very hard not to be bitter, especially when it might seem the only reason for it is just because somebody has the power to do this and is flexing muscles.
December 1st, 2008 at 4:23 pm
I am now and have always been very impressed with how gracefully you are handling all of this. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you to be both alone in this and not alone. It must be a very difficult line for you to walk at times.
I am so certain that God is using you in ways that you can’t see now but that will be so very obvious later.
December 1st, 2008 at 4:58 pm
“It may be rough but being a single mom is completely unimaginable.”
yes. and it’s something i don’t want anyone to ever have to imagine, either.
***
Lizzie – i love you and support you and your family. it is so hard.
i have struggled with comments like these, too. but when i was married, i did have a husband who traveled a lot. it took years to get used to. thing is, it’s a different “mindset.” when married with a husband living at home, a wife has that mindset. when a single mom, our mindset changes because it MUST change; we have no choice. i think the flip-flop of the mindset for short durations is difficult to deal with in it’s own sorta way. there are two different routines that must be created … one for him home, and one for him gone. there’s the adjustment when he leaves and the adjustment when he returns. when he’s gone over about three days, the routine changes … then when he comes home again, the readjustment is even more difficult.
as you know well, i am NOT saying your life or mine is easier or that they should be more thoughtful … i am saying that there is another way to look at it sometimes.
i do keep up with your writing several times a week
December 1st, 2008 at 4:59 pm
” or that they should be more thoughtful ”
oops
or that the shouldN’T be more thoughtful!
December 1st, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I’m sorry — I don’t know how it feels to be in a situation like this and I don’t mean to imply anything other than frustration. It just doesn’t make sense… but I guess what the Lord does doesn’t always make sense. That’s why it’s called Trust.
And I agree with the rest — you don’t owe any of us any explanation. I’ll keep praying for your family. Esp that you all will continue to find refuge in the Lord and not let the bitterness and frustration overwhelm.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:44 am
Lizzie,
I prayed specifically for the parole officer this morning. I prayed God would change her heart and her thinking. Thank you for sharing.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I’m so glad that many people in your church are supportive and are sharing this burden too….and I too hear those comments frequently about “being a single mom” when their husband is away. In some ways, I wonder if people make these comments to help themselves relate more to single moms or to try to put themselves in a single mom’s shoes…..
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:27 pm
I fell a bit behind on reading my blog feeds with the holiday weekend – but I have been thinking of your family and this very situation. I was sorely tempted to email you this morning and ask if there had been an update on the parole officer’s decision – but I suppose this post answers that.
What Lee did isn’t any of our business and doesn’t really matter – what is important is how he has transformed his life since then! How wonderful is that?!
Your grace and patience with this situation never ceases to amaze me. It would be so easy to fall into despair and bitter anger – or worse, break the rules that make no sense at all.
I’ve been keeping this in my prayers over the Thanksgiving weekend – to give you all the strength and peace you need until the day your family can be together under the same roof again.
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:14 am
Hey! It’s been a while since I left a comment. Praying for you guys!!! All three of you have been such a great testimony to me. Tell the little bugger I said “hi”…that’s James by the way, not Lee..ha, ha, ha!!!
We’ll have to talk sometime. Maybe one of these days we’ll get conected.
December 5th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
I am glad to hear that Lee’s offense had nothing to do with James! While reading and trying to rationalize why this trauma is occuring, I have prayed for your family–without knowing every detail, it feels unjustified! Hopefully you will be able to do something about this once Lee is free of all restrictions, to prevent this from happening to other innocent parties!
I have lived both lives, Lizzie, and I know your loneliness. One must experience it to truly know it. Even now, with my dh’s work arrangement, when he is gone, I feel an echo of being a single mother. But this time, with four children instead of one, LOL!
I continue to pray for you all and hope that you will be reunited soon!
Hugs,
Kat