It’s been a long week
by adustyframe ~ December 6th, 2008I have much to blog but it’s late! Some of the comments on my earlier post made me think some of you thought we were waiting for good news.
I’m sorry if I led you to believe that!
So while I was thinking how to share this, I decided that the honesty I’ve attempted to use all along will work again.
Last week, my husband told his parole officer that he had broken one of his rules. He was not asked to disclose it but chose to.
When an individual is on probation, the rules are not optional. The rule he broke was not a “big” rule, but as I said, the fact that he is on probation makes it “big”.
I have fluctuated with being very angry at him for breaking his rule in the first place and being angry at him for being honest. (That’s the sinner in me!)
I’m proud of him for telling the truth and honestly, I know that means that he is not the same Lee he used to be. However, there are consequences as there rightfully should be.
Even though we are along for Lee’s ride, I’ve never believed that probation should be easy. So I don’t want you to think I’m taking this lightly. I am not.
We waited all week for today to find out what she was going to decide. She decided to take him into custody and he is in jail this weekend. That hurts to say!
This does NOT mean “all is lost”. It does not mean that Lee committed a new crime. It does not mean that the changes he’s made are not real. It means he broke his rule and he is receiving consequences.
There have been a lot of tears this week. A lot of conversations. A lot of hugs. A lot of regrets and trying to make plans.
I spoke with his agent this afternoon and she still has not decided what will happen after the weekend. She may choose to let him go or she can keep him for quite awhile. She thinks she’s leaning towards keeping him.
I don’t know how to pray. I’d really like for her to let him out on Monday! His job is on the line and this is not a good time (or good economy) to lose a job.
However, perhaps he has some things he needs to turn over to God and God is chosing to allow this.
I had a LOT of peace today. I’m very tired, but I’m not falling apart. Pastor was gone today and he called me tonight when he got home to see what happened. He said he doesn’t understand either but he’s praying. I appreciate his care for both Lee and I.
I’m looking at what needs to be done if I’m going to be the breadwinner again. (Oh wow that makes me tired!)
We know that God takes good care of James and I though don’t we? We’re going to make it. All 3 of us.
So, if you’re disappointed, just remember that while I am too! I am also trusting God to somehow use even this to help us grow stronger and closer to him.
Pray for Lee to have the right attitude. He needs to lean on God more than ever.
Pray for me. I need wisdom and strength!
Thank you for all your encouragement. I wish I had some better news and I feel a little scared posting this. I know you didn’t want to hear this either.
It’s interesting to me how God works. Everything Lee and I read or heard on Christian radio this week spoke to our situation with encouragement and prodding to trust God and to be right.
Today, I’ve been thinking how very sufficient God’s grace truly is.
I like this poster too!
December 6th, 2008 at 3:04 am
I am feeling tired right now, but i know I am tired half as tired as you are … take care.. I am praying for you and your family.
December 6th, 2008 at 5:42 am
Your honesty and transparency are a gift, Lizzie. Please, don’t be afraid to share. And God bless Lee for being honest. It’s an encouragement to me to be more honest in my daily walk with God (and not justify or ignore my own wrong attitudes or deeds). We are FOR you and Lee and James. We have been praying and will continue to pray! God is in control. And bless your heart, seeing that you had a LOT of peace yesterday brought thankfulness and praise to my heart. Again, we are praying and we love you (even if we’ve never met!).
December 6th, 2008 at 6:04 am
I am so sorry for you and James. I am very frustrated with your husband though. If he truly wanted to come back home and be with his son, wouldn’t he follow every single rule to a T? I know you choose to follow your husband, but there comes a point when it is going to hurt your son. This isn’t fair to James, and your husband, who is the only one with the power to change this, CHOSE to break rules… it doesn’t matter if it was a small rule or a big one… he made a CHOICE to break a rule. Just like he made a choice to break the law… it seems to me that he hasn’t learned much through this whole process. I am so sad for your son. Maybe it is time for some tough love from you… I know that you support him and submit to him, but if you keep enabling his behavior, it is never going to end. Maybe if you stand up for yourself and your son and tell him that you are done and that if he chooses to continue breaking the rules, you will have no choice but to DO WHAT IS BEST for your CHILD. Submitting to your husband is fine if that is what you believe, but in no circumstances is it ok to sacrifice the well-being of your child. If you continue to allow Lee to hurt you and your child, you are basically throwing your child under the bus. Also, here he is right before Christmas again leaving you with no income because of his disregard for you and your son. How selfish is that? I am sorry to come off so strong, but you are allowing this behavior to continue and it is wrong. Here you are also back to depending on others if anything in your home breaks, your car breaks, etc… all because your husband refused to follow the law again. How is that fair to others, or you, or your son? I am a single parent myself, so I completely understand. I have gone through some of the most difficult things imaginable, including my husband taking off with another woman while I was eight months pregnant. Including physical abuse that at one point had me in labor with my first child at 6 months… in other words, I could have lost my child. Yet I stayed. I wanted thing to work and wanted to believe he would change. Finally, I came to my senses and had to put the WELFARE OF MY CHILDREN first. He wasn’t going to change and I couldn’t make him change… and in the meantime, I was putting my kids in a dangerous situation. Now I realize Lee isn’t physically abusive, but his blatant disregard for the law, for your needs, the needs of your son, is mental abuse. He knows whatever he does, you will be hanging around telling him it is ok and that he is the boss. He IS NOT the boss right now… you are the one with all of the burdens, the one raising your child alone, keeping your home alone, all because of his bad decisions. And he just showed that he has no intention of following the law, even if it is for the good of you and your son. Stand up for yourself and your child. AND your husband… because your enabling is just making him believe that his behavior is ok… he will never change if you keep telling him it is ok. Hugging and crying is not going to change him… all it does is take more time away from your son. Focus on your son, and tell your husband that when he is ready to TRULY make a change, you will talk. And stop downplaying it as “a small rule.” A rule is a rule. Again, you are trying to defend him when in reality, it doesn’t matter WHAT rule he broke… if he is on probation, EVERY rule is a BIG rule. Also, quit whining about the treatment by the parole officer… he put himself in this position. If he had followed the law in the first place, he wouldn’t HAVE to deal with a probation officer. If he doesn’t like her rules, or her treatment of him, oh well. That is part of his learning a lesson. Just like a child… they don’t have to LIKE the discipline, but in the end, you know that it is beneficial in turning them into good people. Lee is like a whiny child… he wants to complain that no one treats him fairly, yet in reality, he is the one who broke the law. No one else. Not the judge. Not the prison guards. Not the parole officer. It was LEE. Period. Now he has to face the consequences, from all areas. I am so sorry for you and your son, but I am so tired of you defending him when he is so blatantly not caring what is best for you and your son. Here you are three weeks before Christmas, AGAIN going through the same things. He is back in jail, you have no income, he just set coming home back probably indefinitely, set back the time until he can see his son. Again, HIS choices.
Kim, I approved your comment because I very rarely don’t approve comments. Also because I am SURE that many people feel the same as you do.
You are very wrong though in saying that I am enabling him. I am not enabling him at all and for you to be able to say that means that you do NOT know me or anything about me.
My son is not in danger and frankly your insinuation that I would put him in danger is highly offensive.
I did clarify that all of his rules are big rules and that his rules are not optional. I also said that I was very angry with him for breaking his rules.
When you say He knows whatever he does, you will be hanging around telling him it is ok and that he is the boss. you are completely off the mark.
I have not ever one time told him what he’s done is ok. NEVER. I have also told him that this is all his fault and just this week I told him that he wouldn’t be dealing with ANY of this crap if he hadn’t broken the law in the 1st place. Do not assume things about me.
I am not a weak co-dependent enabler.
You cannot know the hours I’ve spent in prayer this week asking God what direction I need to take and if I am wrong for staying with him can you? I believe that if the time comes that I need to leave my husband I will and I actually had that conversation with someone yesterday AND today. I’m not quite sure how it’s not fair to OTHERS if I stay with my husband. We should all serve one another whether or not we’re in a tough spot. I’m also pretty sure my marriage decisions are between me and God not others.
In regard to the parole officer, I’ve shared many times that our Pastor who knows EVERY single detail (unlike you) was a parole officer before and he cannot understand what is going on. I’m pretty sure that if he thought I was enabling and defending and “throwing my child under the bus” he’d let me know since he’s had plenty of experience with probation and parole.
I very much used to be like you saying, “Oh well they did something wrong.” which is 100% true. Except on this side of it, I’ve seen blatant lies by parole officers and hiding of truth so yep the cynical bug has bitten me.
So here’s the wrap up
1. Lee did something wrong and he must pay for it. I’ve never ever said he was innocent.
2. He broke a rule and I said that all of his rules are big rules.
3. I am NOT nor will I ever enable my husband to be a law breaker. That accusation ALMOST makes me laugh. Did you read my ME story where I shared that I knew the police wanted him before he did and I never said a word to him?
December 6th, 2008 at 6:05 am
((((BIG HUGS)))) I can only begin to imagine the mix of emotions you must have – from disappointment, anger and fear to pride that your husband was honest. That is HUGE, and immediately I thought, “the truth will set you free.” Lee may be behind bars this morning, but his heart and soul are not bound by living a lie and when he does get out, he will have much more peace and freedom because he told the truth. Please know that all of you remain in my prayers, dear friend.
December 6th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Oh my, not what I was expecting to be reading this morning! I’m so sorry Lizzie. Praying for you.
December 6th, 2008 at 6:47 am
HE sure likes testing you all doesn’t he…
I will pray for her not to write Lee off, but give him a chance..the thing is I think she had already done so(written him off) and as his parole officer i think that is horrid…
May god shine his light on her and help her see that a family needs its father and husband…even if he is flawed…that you are not blind in all this, but love him and need him…that she is not protecting your family but cutting Lee out of it…
wow the decision Lee made to be honest is a hard one, and i hope he doesnt see this as confirmation that he should have kept quiet (as easy as it is for all of us to sadly hope he had WE ARE ALL BAD AND SINNERS ARENT WE)
that he can maintain HOPE in his heart…That is one of God’s greatest gifts, with Faith we are rewarded with HOPE…and with hope anything is possible…
hang in there; know you are loved and prayed for, don’t let go of the rope, we are holding you up to better hang on to it..
Celina in Canada
December 6th, 2008 at 6:52 am
Oh my Lizzie….I’m sure you are proud of Lee for telling the truth, but it is frustrating that the “self” is so very stubborn…I know all about that….I continue to pray for all of you…please know that my prayers and the loving arms of Christ surround you all
Yes, I’m glad he told the truth. I’m NOT glad that he broke his rules. I feel the need to clarify this…;)
December 6th, 2008 at 7:04 am
The one thing I know to be true is that He ::will:: be faithful and He ::will:: be good in His work in your family. Praying all 3 of you will keep plumbing the depths of His goodness and be able to say you found Him faithful!
Jude 24, 25
~judith
December 6th, 2008 at 7:09 am
Oh Lizzie,
I’m so sorry. Ouch…what a thing to have happen. I know that God will carry you (all) through this, but that doesn’t mean it’s all blue skies and fluffy clouds.
Thank you for sharing what’s going on with us. I will continue to be praying for you.
December 6th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Wow. I’m praying and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
December 6th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Oh, Lizzie! I’m so sorry to hear this. For all of you! I will be praying that the Lord will use this for Lee’s refining and sanctification and I will pray that He will provide the means you need to sustain you financially and spiritually during yet another trial. I’m so so sorry!!!
On another note, I was in the mall and saw the Angel Tree. James immediately came to mind. We took an angel and bought a gift for a little boy in James’ name. Please tell James that he has had an impact on a child who is going through the same thing he is right here in Alabama and that child will receive a Christmas gift and see that gift came from James. I’ve never paid much attention to the Angel Tree before but I will from now on.
You truly are an inspiration!
Aww! Thank you for sharing this. James smiled. Thank you for praying.
December 6th, 2008 at 8:14 am
Oh, I’m so sorry, Lizzie. Though it is hard, it shows a lot of character for Lee to face up to what he did and disclose it. I hope the powers that be take that into consideration (and his job situation) — I am sure there are plenty of people that break the rules and cover it up.
We know God is faithful, loving and wise. Though it is a situation we wish we didn’t have to face, He’ll uphold you all.
Thank you for praying. I’m pretty sure that Lee is not the 1st probationer to break his rules and yes he deserves consequences.
But God is faithful no matter how many times we mess up right?
December 6th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Oh Lizzie, I am sorry for all that you continue to go through! Please know that I am still praying! I am glad that Lee was honest, too, and esp. since you say that shows he’s a different man than he was. God is still working in all of you. (and all of us, as we ALL have areas of our lives that need refining – and always will until we get to Heaven!)
I would like to encourage you to read Psalm 107: 21- 30. I “discovered” these verses in my quiet time this week, and they have been encouraging me all week. I have read through the Bible several times, and I don’t remember EVER seeing the term “at their wit’s end” before, but it’s in these verses. I was feeling at “my wit’s end” over a situation in my life, and these verses have just blessed me greatly. Notice Who was in control of the storm, what the sailors did in the midst of the storm, and how God brought them to their “desired haven”. I like the sound of those two words. They spoke peace to my soul. Lizzie, we don’t know how long our storms will last, but we do know God is with us IN them.
Sorry to be so long, but I just felt led to share that with you. May God bless you with peace in your soul today.
December 6th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Hugs, Lizzie. Sending up prayers for your entire family this weekend!
December 6th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Oh, Lizzie, I’m so, so sorry. But I’m so proud of your husband for telling the truth. I know from experience that sometimes God allows things to seem to fall apart before He brings final deliverance. I’m praying for you, dear sister. I know how terrifying it is not to know where your finances will come from, especially at Christmas. But GOD WILL PROVIDE! Thank you for being so honest.
Love,
Janet
December 6th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Oh Lizzie! I’m so sad for you all. How wonderful on the one hand that Lee stepped forward and admitted it–didn’t hope he wouldn’t get caught. Still, sad that he broke the rule however trivial. It’s such a hire-wire act to be on probation.
I know that the economy is scaring everyone to bits right now. As a single Mom I AM SO GRATEFUL for my job. As a homeschool Mom I know it takes God’s hand to guide you to the right work to support your family AND still homeschool. As a Christian I know that God provides in so many (often seemingly bizzare) ways.
I am praying and praying for you guys! Your faith and composure are amazing and inspiring.
Just clarifiying that it wasn’t “trivial” I have no intention of portraying this in a better light. All of his rules are huge and this is not ok.
Thank you for praying!
December 6th, 2008 at 9:48 am
praying . . .
i know that sometimes life seems like mercy doesn’t exist. then i remind myself that what i don’t know is best left unknown.
December 6th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Just to clarify, I apologize if I wrote something that sounded like I thought James was in danger. I definitely do NOT think he is in danger. You are a terrific mother from what I have read. I give you so much credit for hanging in as well as you do.
I do not think his father is a danger to him either… at least as far as I can see.
What I see is that Lee seems to not care enough about his family to follow the rules, and this is taking a toll on James. The time you spend helping a husband who doesn’t seem to be doing as much to help himself, is what is taking time away from James… which wouldn’t be a problem if Lee were as devoted to his family as you are.
I know I came off very tough and negative, and I am sorry if I did. I think you are doing a REALLY great job with James. It just makes me sad… and I know because I am in a difficult situation as well… that Lee isn’t as interested in helping himself and his family as you are. I am just afraid that if you don’t take a strong stand with him, he won’t ever stop doing what he is doing to your family. You and James deserve someone who puts the two of you absolutely first and is always there to provide and take care of both of you. I am just frustrated FOR you, and I know it is none of my business. I am sorry if I offended you… I just want to see what is best for the two of you… and at this point, it is up to Lee if he is going to change or not. I just hate to see you wait around forever and keep getting hurt.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Lizzie,I started reading the comments,but I mostly come here to read your words.I am proud of Lee for being honest,as I am sure you are.I know that he broke the rule at all is upsetting.But as you said,you see the change in him,by him admitting the rule breaking.Our family is praying for yours:)
December 6th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Oh Lizzie I knew you meant you were proud he told the truth….you both have come soooo very far….I pray this will be a mole-hill and not a mountain….we ALL have sinned in one way or another and it is NOT up to me to judge Lee….but it is my obligation to pray for him….and I do….I pray he will see this as refining process and that the Lord can always use us if we are willing. I believe he could be a mighty man of God if he uses all he has learned to teach others what happens when you are selfish and not willing to let the Lord lead you. Your honesty is an encouragment…God Bless and keep you.
December 6th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Lizzie,
I walked with my best friend thru a journey similar to yours. And, actually, her husband’s crime was against her daughter (his step-daughter.) He did not have to go to jail, due the low level of the offense, but his parole was long and torturous. It was a hard road to walk for both my friend and her husband.
The important thing I want to share with you is that they are STILL HAPPILY MARRIED!!!
He is home and the children are grown and out on their own (son in the service and daughter working, and ministering to the deaf in her church.)
For Thanksgiving they were all together and so happy.
God brought them tenderly and beautifully THROUGH it. There are still scars, of course, and each child is going to have issues to work through, too; but they are all doing well.
I pray this encourages your heart this weekend. Praying for you.
Love in Him,
Alesha
Alesha, Thank you for stopping by today to share your encouragement! Thank you for telling me about another who has walked this road and been restored.
December 6th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I think that anyone who knows Lizzie is frustrated FOR Lizzie…..it hurts like you wouldn’t believe to see this happening to her family. I know for a fact that she is not enabling Lee. It’s very, very hard to go through what Lizzie is going through and STILL serve God, still love and honor God, and to not become bitter toward her husband or God. I don’t think I’d be able to walk down her road as well as she has.
December 6th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
At the risk of posting one time to many…Is there any chance that Lee feels so unworthy of your love and is unconciously sabatoging (sp) himself…??? just a thought from a caring reader.
December 6th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
A long week indeed. Sending you a big hug today.
December 6th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Oh Lizzie, I am sad to hear this. I am crying & praying, asking the Lord to strengthen you & give you the wisdom to know what step to take next, as well as the courage to face today & the faith to follow God. Remember Corrie ten Boom!
I am sorry that there are those who feel the need to reprimand you & tell you their own opinion, rather than encouraging you in the Lord & in His Word — I understand that this is their own bitterness speaking, rather than their reliance on God; however, it still hurts to hear what people spout. I remember shortly after we lost the baby a woman, who did not know me, acosting me in the ladies’ room, telling me how wrong it is to use birth control — her own opinion, yet it still hurt.
Dear Kim, I know I don’t know you or your situation, but please remember that others need prayer & encouragement, not the bitterness that stems from our own circumstances & situations. I’ll be praying for you, as well.
December 7th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Can I ask why he chose to break the rule? Did he discuss it with you first? I am just wondering what his thinking process was…
What worries me is that his parole officer, who already sounds prejudiced against him, will let this set precedence for everything she decides from now on.
I am so sorry to see you go through this, but I am encouraged by your faith in God. God Bless you and James!
Hugs,
Kat
No;) He didn’t discuss it with me first. I don’t think it was a pre-meditated decision. Yes, I have the same worry you do. She will think, “I KNEW it.”
December 8th, 2008 at 12:52 am
Oh dear Lizzie- I am just reading this and my heart is breaking for you- but also my resolve to pray for you is increased- and my firm belief that God knows all of this and WILL STILL WORK IT ALL OUT is growing stronger still. When Lee was originally in jail, many commented that the Lord was going to do something great with your family…..well, an added woe may mean even more glory to HIs name , though for now it is an added burden to you. I am sorry also about that earlier comment- your reply was very graceful. I confess that I like many people was praying that you would be al togetehr this Christmas. However, I am reminded of the woman taken in adultery and the Lord’s words- who is able to cast a stone? Lee has been foolish and dis-regarded you and the Lord and yes it is bad. But how many of us (all of us) daily sin against God and break His rules- let us all be thankful that we have a just and merciful God who is not like this parole officer. I cannot believe the comment was made that he has not changed. Lizzie may the Lord less and guard your heart and James’. You know, the thought just struck me- God knew that there was this yet to come- so actually is it not gracious that James is not once again used to having his dad around? Although I am not belittling this for him, surely it would have been harder if Lee had been seeing him alot again.
Lots of love to you all Lizzie
Susanna
December 8th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
It 6PM Monday night….any word yet on Lee’s punishment yet? I have thought about and prayed for for you all since your post about the rule breaking…God Bless, Pam
December 9th, 2008 at 5:29 am
Oh, Lizzie! This post and the comment attacking you both made me so sad. I will continue to pray for your family.
I am glad that Lee confessed on his own because at least you have that as a (very) small encouragement during this difficult time.
December 9th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
I don’t know how I missed this post but I’m truly sorry! Please if you need anything call me!