I’m ok
by adustyframe ~ December 11th, 2008At least for right now. I told my friend that my lack of breaking down through all this probably means I’ll have a huge crash right around February. I was teasing a bit but it’s possible.
I honestly haven’t had one break down. I said I don’t think it’s that I’m not dealing with this. I believe God has given me a huge measure of grace and peace.
That doesn’t mean I like this or I’m happy or that I’m not sad.
Even though I knew last Friday that she was taking him into custody at least for the weekend, leaving him there was rough. As soon as I drove away, I took a huge breath and felt the weight settle back on my shoulders.
That weight had been gone and so it’s return was very noticeable. I truly believe that having a loved one incarcerated is a burden that can be physically felt.
The tight band across my stomach tried to come back too, but I think being calm has helped stave that off.
I drove past a teacher’s store that I used to stop at when I was a preschool teacher. I stopped to see if I could find any stocking stuffers for James. I walked around almost in disbelief that I was enjoying looking at everything even while my husband was on his way to jail. It’s so strange how a person can be carrying such a heavy burden and walk around doing normal things.
I found a couple items for James and even joked with the cashiers. Finding humor wherever I can find it is a coping stragy I think.
I drove home to a quiet house. James was with Grandma and Grandpa and they were going out to eat so I had a long quiet afternoon.
My first temptation was to curl up on the couch and sleep and sleep. I didn’t want to slide into despair though so I didn’t let myself.
“Christmas music! I need Christmas music!” I put on a CD and turned it way up and sat down to do some work on the computer.
I had phone calls from Lee’s nephew, my mother in law, pastor, and the parole officer. (Good thing I didn’t settle in for a long winter’s nap.)
I know a lot of people were praying for us and have been all week. That helps a lot!
When I called my mom, I was really surprised how well I was doing. You know it’s easier to break down to your mom than it is anywhere else. She reminded me how much they love us and Lee too. Lee was very worried what my mom would say. I am so blessed that I could pass on her love and care to him rather than her being angry and upset.
I believe that these past 4 years have made me a much stronger person than I was when this all began. God’s care and provision for us has been so evident that I know he will continue to care for us.
This doesn’t mean that I haven’t struggled. I did spend time asking God how much more do I have to take? I don’t know the answer to that.
A few moments were difficult. On Monday night a little after 9, I looked at the clock and thought, “Oh good. Lee’s on break. He’ll call me in a few minutes.” and then the sinking feeling as I remembered he wasn’t on break.
Or the jeans and shirt in the laundry. Deep breaths, it’s ok!
One thing that is very odd and difficult to explain is that in some ways I feel excited. I just wonder what God is doing and maybe somehow this dark time, this time I didn’t expect to face, will be the beginning of a very bright future.
Another reason that I’m doing ok is Christmas. I refuse to let this ruin our season. I have a little boy who loves Christmas. He has enough junk in his life. He doesn’t need a mother falling apart and ruining the holiday!
So, I’m ok. I really am. I am amused at myself that I began crying in the middle of typing this post….
Tears are ok too though aren’t they?
December 11th, 2008 at 11:51 am
I know that God is watching over you and yours.He has wonderful things ahead for you all.I think of you and your family often,and when I do,I tend to say a prayer for you guys.
December 11th, 2008 at 11:57 am
“One thing that is very odd and difficult to explain is that in some ways I feel excited. I just wonder what God is doing and maybe somehow this dark time, this time I didn’t expect to face, will be the beginning of a very bright future.”
I loved this, Lizzie. I feel the flutter you are talking of. When I went through the darkest time I’ve faced yet, I came to a place when I felt this excitement too … hope, anticipation. And for us, the future held bright and wonderful gifts, things I never dreamed of. Looking forward to seeing what God has in store for your family.
May He bless you and keep you and continue to fill your hearts with hope and anticipation this holiday season.
Love, prayer, and hugs!
December 11th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I am a lurker, but wanted to let you know I read faithfully and am praying for you and your family.
God is good and He is working good for you, Lee and James.
Merry Christmas!
Lori in PA
December 11th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I don’t think you have any idea how often some of us check in on you to see what you have posted…..it is always a relief to hear that you are not just coping but thriving.
Some time ago I went thru a really rough patch..someone I love very much diappointed me in a very personal way. I remember praying “Lord please don’t ever let me forget how you are getting me thru this time”….many are lifting you up….praying for you to continue to feel the loving arms of Christ surrounding you.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Praising the Lord for the grace He is giving you, Lee, and James. Thank you for your good testimony! Praying for you.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Yes, tears are ok. God is doing a great work in your lives. It is also a blessing to others you’ve never even met. Thank you for recording the daily ups and downs, and the lessons God is teaching you. No one knows any of us will have a “happily ever after” this side of heaven. But it IS plain to see that you are allowing God to shape you into His image. I’m sure the angels in heaven are singing alleluia…
December 11th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Lizzie,
We are still praying for all of you. I hope those prayers can help sustain you as well.
December 11th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Not sure how much this matters, but I think you are a strong person and a great example for the rest of us. And although I am not going through anything like this, you’re a reminder that God is with me no matter what happens. Bad things do happen to good people, but only when God allows them, and when He does be sure to know its for our own good. Yesterday we had some problems with our bank (they charged us $420 in overdraft fees). All I wanted to do is cry, but I prayed and reminded myself that God knew about this before it happened. I talked to the people at the bank, although I truly don’t feel its my fault, and they agreed, they would only refund me $140. I still had to pay $280. I just kept reminding the Lord He knew our needs, and if we had to pay I was fine with that. Then in the mail today we received a letter from someone we only met breifly with $300 cash. Isn’t God good?! He even gave us an extra $20. I am still trying to see if the bank will refund the rest, but I am reminded that God is in control. Thanks for helping me remember!
December 11th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
By the way, tears are okay. Psalm 56:8
December 11th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Tears are absolutely OK! I would be very concerned if you weren’t shedding any. I think part of your enjoying things despite the difficulties is that you realize that you had nothing to do with this “relapse” and can do absolutely nothing about the situation. It is completely in God’s hands, and realizing that is actually very freeing. Still praying for all of you!
You are right, Carol. .Thank you for praying for us!
December 11th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
huggingly big hugs from hugsville
December 11th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Tears are definitely ok.
Praise the Lord for His grace and providence. He is great.
December 11th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Still praying for you!
Send me an e-mail with your address (or the church address or something) and I’ve still got some books for you.
liz91 (at) thephonicspage (dot) org.
Put “from Lizzie” in the subject, I get a lot of spam from having a website!
December 12th, 2008 at 5:21 am
Oh, Lizzie! I haven’t read your blog the last few days, so I’m just seeing what happened. I’m so sorry! But so glad to see how well you are doing in spite of it all.
December 12th, 2008 at 6:41 am
You are a better person than I am. I’d be really ticked off with both Lee and the system. I hope the rule he broke was really worth the price all of you are now paying. Like I said, you are a better person than me.
Please don’t think I’m not angry with him! I definitely am/was. I’m not a better person though. I’m just asking God to give me wisdom and let me know what to do.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Someone above already commented as I wanted to about your being excited to see what God is doing. Isn’t faith amazing? Isn’t the strength of surrender greater than anything thing we can do alone. I’m still so sad about Lee, but am glad you are trusting God to see you through this.
Thank you, Lisa.