*This was written over 1 1/2 years ago–before I closed the store.

The last couple of weeks have been hard for me.

It’s not easy to explain. I am emotionally fine.

I remember sitting in church crying almost every service. Not because anyone hurt me, I hurt so much that it overflowed.

A beautiful song might set me off. A comforting Scripture. An illustration in the sermon.

I don’t do that any more. I am still hurting  but it’s not overflowing anymore.

Spiritually, I am doing better. I have learned so much and daily see God’s movement in our lives. I am able to trust and have confidence in God much more quickly during situations.

So I feel like I should be at the top of my game but I’m not.

I’m so tired and want to only be home. I want to cocoon myself where it’s safe.

Where no one can say stupid things to us. Where I can let my guard down. Where I feel safe.

I am not motivated to do anything extra. I do the necessities and that’s about it.

I often have to talk myself into doing things. Once I get started I’m fine and enjoy it.

I just feel like everything is catching up to me and I’m not sure how to allow myself to rest and heal.

There is still real work to be done here. So many unknowns. So much weariness.

Sometimes my mind short circuits. Like last night. We went grocery shopping after work, so it was late. I made a frozen pizza. I didn’t take the cardboard off. I baked the whole thing.

Thank God that it didn’t catch on fire! I honestly was shocked at myself.

I don’t know what is the answer. When we are home, life is pleasant and rarely is there stress in either one of us.

The store takes too much out of me and James. I know that God wants me to be home and be done with the store. I just don’t know how to go about that.

I pray  that God gives me a clear answer about what I am to do.

Filed under: Enduring Trials, From my Journal | 3 Thoughts Shared »