Written to a group of friends on a forum July 1, 2006–we had won our hearing and I thought my husband was coming home. The decision was reversed and I went through a serious struggle with my faith.

God is working overtime on me this week .Before this happened we had become about like roomates. My husband loved our child and he tolerated me.

We were not on the same page or same team.When I found out that jail was in our future, I told Pastor–“Well this is my out.”I was ready to leave. Pastor looked me in the eye and said “You don’t have an out” as in this was not something that he felt I could Biblically leave him for.The thing is I could have left my husband and wouldn’t feel guilty for it–I’m not staying with him to be a martyr or because I’m co-dependent  or that I can’t imagine living without him. But I was white hot angry at him. God began breaking down the anger in me I could see that I truly did love him and that I was not willing to throw everything away.

Although he was a Christian at the time, he was not living for the Lord.He was living for himself. He has known for a long time that God has some sort of ministry for him to help people who struggle but he refused to get his life straightened out.

We have really hated this–it has hurt–it has bruised us and broken us.

BUT we know and firmly believe Romans 8:28 that says that God works things together for our good.When I was struggling with my faith a few times this week or in the past,I still knew that as dark and as hard as this was that there is some sort of purpose for this. Sometimes we can look back and see things.

Already God has done a huge work in his heart. He is ministering as best as he can there. He currently has a bunk mate that is searching and asks him a lot of questions and my husband shared his Bible with him.

My stubborn stubborn man had to go through this I think to show him that the ends of his selfishness were leading him nowhere. He knows that God has gotten his attention.

I used to lay in bed at night and rub his head while he slept. I prayed and prayed for God to change his heart and to help heal our family. Things that he has said, learned, etc through this are direct answers to prayers I prayed.

It’s sort of amazing sometimes to hear him say things and I remember exactly when I prayed for God to show him this or that.

I too have changed.  I grew up in a Christian home, went to Christian school–went to Christian college. I have a bachelor’s degree in Bible–I don’t think I was a “bad” person before but it was very easy for me to be critical of people in jail or those whose lives were a mess.

My heart was not to be unkind to them–but I was shallow I guess? is the word. I have been brought to a place where I can see people like my husband as hurting people who need love.

I can look at situations that people have that before I’d have felt a bit of “eww” and don’t feel like that anymore. I guess God had a work to do in me as well.

That’s why we are fairly confident that God has big plans for us in the future because He is working on both of us. We are both very different people than we were before.

And the love for my husband that God restored amazes me. Especially when I remember how much I hated him. That makes this harder I think I’d have an easier time if I still hated him.

So this week, I WAS devastated and questioning and wondering

“HOW CAN THIS BE?”  but in Isaiah it says that our thoughts are not His thoughts and our ways are not His ways. I cannot know what God sees that we need. God has spoken to both of us last week that we are not being content where we are.

He told me that and I was shocked because I knew that God was working on me to be content. I’m not positive how being content plays out here, but I am working on it.

Somehow though we truly thought that decision was going to be upheld so even though we are trusting we are still hurting. Does that make sense?

Job was perfect before God and he lost everything–sometimes I DO feel like Job however, when Job suffered he didn’t cry whine and ask why me? He fell to the ground and worshiped–so I have far far to go before I can say I’m like Job!

Job said “though He slay me yet will I trust in Him” I know that I must trust no matter how bleak it looks because God has brought us through so much.

He has cared for us each step of the way.

For example to think that I have been doing this alone for 20 months and we are not behind on one bill is amazing. We are not ahead but we are not behind. Every time it looks like I won’t make it, there is money–sometimes it has been through an envelope in my church mailbox with no name–4 times that has happened.

I drag to church so burdened and telling God I don’t know how I’m going to make it. I get there, check my mailbox and there is that envelope. Always with $200 in it.Once it was a box of groceries on the step. The neighbor boys shoveled the sidewalk and my drive all winter.

My father in law paying the attorney for this appeal.

I was saying that I had no clue how to pay for it. I almost felt like giving up and God reminded me of Philippians 4:19

“My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory”

and the next day the attorney is paid.

So I have failed many of these tests by falling apart and doubting. And yet God is so patient with me. Sometimes I have literally felt His presence next to me and I knowHe watches over us. This week I said very angrily,

“God! I do not see how you answered our prayers and yet this turned around. This feels like you are laughing at us” and then I realized that God does not owe me anything and if I never get another blessing I am blessed beyond measure. If nothing good ever happens to us again, we still have to say that God has been good to us.

There are people the world over who have nothing–people who are empty and hurting.

And I have my beautiful son, my home, things I want (not just need)my husband is healthy and his heart is changing.

So who am I to question how God chooses to work in our lives.

So if you think I am strong or amazing, I said all that to say this–it is not me.

On my own, I’d have shriveled up in a ball and given up many months ago. I have only been able to have any strength because God is upholding us. He is the one who has held us together.

He gets the credit for any good that comes out of this. I know that what I am saying may be completely foreign to you but I couldn’t not say it.So many years ago when I prayed for God to restore him and to change him, this crappy mess was NOT what I envisioned. Yet when I see the changes and find them to be more than I could have thought to pray for, I am amazed that God knows and He knows what we need in order to conform us to His image.

So if you’re still listening I’ll tell you a story.

A lady went to watch the silversmith refine the silver.

He melted it in a very hot fire, holding it in a utensil just over the flames,

moving it just so and pulling it out and putting it back.

She asked “what are you doing?”

He said that it had to be melted at just the right temperature–

too much heat and it would be ruined–not enough and it wouldn’t be usable.
She asked “How do you know it’s done?”

He said “When I see my image reflected in it”

I think that God knows how much heat we need and He knows we’re done when He sees His image reflected in our lives.

Job 23:10
But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold

Filed under: Enduring Trials, Family, From God's Word, Illustrations and Stories, Prison/Incarceration | 1 Thought Shared »