Respect
by adustyframe ~ July 7th, 2009A few weeks ago, I shared my thoughts about the way women treat their husbands in this post.
I received the following comment.
This is interesting only because Lee made a choice AGAIN to break the law and keep himself away from his family. Was he respecting you and James with HIS actions? I am sorry, but it has to work both ways. He had his chance to be out of prison and work his way back into his family and he made a choice to break the rules. That does not sound to me like he is respecting you very much.
I am sorry… I read your blog all of the time and this one really got to me. There comes a point when HE has to respect you and your son. I know he says the right things, but he wasn’t even out a month until he was back in again. Come on… there is a time to wake up and figure out what is best for your child, if not yourself.
I responded
…regardless of what my husband (or anyone’s husband) does or they way they behave, I am still called to behave Biblically. Belittling him or demeaning him, barking orders at him, and being pushy in front of others isn’t right no matter what he does or does not do.
Did Jesus use the way others treated him as an excuse to be unkind? No, he didn’t. If I use what Lee has done as an excuse to demean him and beat him down–especially in public which is what I was referring to–I am also wrong.
I understand that this can be a difficult concept–especially for American women!
Today on Revive our Hearts, Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ guest shared much more eloquently on this topic. He said what I meant to say in my response.
Here’s a little bit of what he said.
What we’re saying is a man knows you love him, but he’s not assured you like him or respect who he is. You had a glow during the courtship and during the wedding, and you looked up to him, and you expressed words of belief in him and admiration. But then he failed to love you in ways that were meaningful, and you got that dark, sour look—the angry look—and made the statements, “I don’t respect you. I love you at times, but I don’t respect you any farther than I can throw you.”
All of that would be the same as him saying, “I respect you more than anybody, especially since you got your old man’s $10 million inheritance, but I have never loved you, don’t love you now, and don’t intend to love you.” Every woman would be devastated, and it would take her forever to get over that.
Every man is devastated, and it takes him forever to get over it when he hears her say, “I love you, but I don’t respect you.” Women will break down and cry when they’re offended at the core of their being. Men get angry and go off by themselves.
Nancie asked “what about men who aren’t respectable?”
Nancy Some of those women are thinking, “How do you respect someone who really isn’t a respectable man? I mean, he’s a couch potato, he won’t work, he’s addicted to this or that. How can I respect someone who isn’t respectable? How can God expect me to do that?”
Dr. Eggerichs: Well, certainly God’s Word is revealing that—just as husbands are to love their wives who are not lovable and who have issues that are also serious—he’s to be a loving man regardless of her performance. But many people think that if you show unconditional respect, what you’re saying is, “I’m going to roll over and let this person do anything and everything, I’m not going to confront anything, I’m not going to say anything, I’m not going to in any way differ.” There is a mindset that if you show unconditional respect, you basically endorse everything there is that this person is and does.
Nancy: And you’re not saying that?
Dr. Eggerichs: No. We’re talking about it this way. There is a distinction that needs to be made. It’s not about him, in that sense, and it’s not about his behavior. It’s about how you come across to him. The Scripture’s commanding you to put on respect—Ephesians 5:33, 1 Peter 3:2—those are the two most salient passages in all the New Testament to the wife about how to treat her husband. Those are the foundational passages.
Nancy: In 1 Peter 3, it’s actually talking to godly women about husbands who are either non-believers or they’re acting in ungodly ways. So it really does fit this situation.
Dr. Eggerichs: Well it does, and so if it’s to be applied to an ungodly man, how much more to a godly man? It’s describing the nature of the man.
So it’s how you come across. It’s not what you say, and it’s not about what he’s doing, per se. It’s how you come across.
The transcript of the entire program can be found here. I encourage you to read it. Either it will better explain what I was trying to say, or it will touch your heart and encourage you to respect your husband.
July 7th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Hi Lizzie,
I haven’t visited for a while (busy being a working mom) but today I stopped by via your tweet on this topic respect.
I watched Dr. Eggerich’s video on Love and Respect, and while I agree most of what he said, there’s a part of me that says he is a bit biased. I am a pleaser and I very respectful, and I am very submissive; and yet there’s a little bit in me that says Dr. Eggerich need to remind the husbands more how to be respectful also of their wives. Anyway, that’s just my 2 cents.
Hugs to you. I will go bach and re-read some of your posts to catch up.
Aloha,
Liza
http://www.amauiblog.com
Well, what is the Biblical issue here? Not what we feel;).
Biblically, husbands are required to love their wives not respect them. Obviously, if he is loving us as he should the respect will be there. But he is required to love even if his wife isn’t lovable.
The Bible calls us to respect whether or not he respects us.
We can’t use what our husband does or does not do as an excuse to sin.
Also, this radio program is for women. I haven’t read everything he’s taught, but I’m sure he teaches the men their Biblical responsibility as well.
July 7th, 2009 at 8:48 am
P.S. Just to clarify, I think you are doing the right thing of “not taking bad” about your husband on your blog. God bless you and may blessings be poured upon you for being so faithful.
Thank you:)
July 7th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Hi Lizzie.
I think people tend to forget that if we all got what we deserved, where we’d be. If it were not for grace, we would be in a very bad place.
We live in a physical world surrounded by spiritual battles. No Believer is better in God’s eyes than another. We are all equal in Christ.
If it were not for grace….. definitely something to ponder.
July 7th, 2009 at 11:39 am
I just love it when I find something better said than I ever could say it! Glad God brought this across your path. Have a great day!
How is James likeing camp? No frantic calls to come and pick him up? =)
Nope no calls;)
July 7th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Hello Lizzie
Thank you for sharing that.A while ago I took the 30 day husband encouragement challenge run by Nancy…it was a real reminder of how easy it is to fall into bad habits re our husbands. To love and to respect are a choice- a determination, not based purely on feeling as you rightly said. Sorry have not been around much….a few things going on here right now.
Thanks for stopping by:). I need to review that challenge.
July 7th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I agree, Lizzie, being respectful isn’t based on his actions or performance — it’s based on obeying God. All of those instructions — husbands, love your wives, wives, submit to your husbands, children obey your parents — aren’t conditional.
You’re right. I’m not saying it’s easy! But God gives the strength and rewards obedience.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
I’m on my way over to listen to this from Nancy Demoss — while I’m there, I’ll check on “30 day husband encouragement challenge ” that Susanna mentioned — what do you know about it?
It sounds like something I need
It’s pretty good:)
((hugs))
July 7th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Hey there Lizzie~
You are spot on in what you are saying. No matter what, we are called to behave in a Biblical way, whether we are talking about husbands, wives, or even other Believers.
I hear (read about) the refute all the time:”Well, what about him?” or “Well, they are treating you badly,” and it’s true sometimes.
However, when friends or spouses, our children, anyone treats us badly, it forces us to make a decision of whether we are truly going to follow the Word of God or not, regardless of the other person’s behaviour. We are to not retaliate, but let God deal with hearts. THIS is the part of God’s work in our lives.
It is the same way with our spouses. We might know what is right for the him to do- even Biblically, but the only thing we can do is to do what God has told us is right for us to do.
Yeshua did not return evil for evil. We are not to endanger ourselves or our children, but sometimes, disrespect to ourselves is a lesser burden than to sin and outright disobey what we know to do in the Word.
I definitely needed to read this today, and I will be reading the link in whole.
Thank you, and you are blessed and in obedience to His Word, and that is an honouring place to be. May He bless you and Lee and James abundantly for this, and may Lee walk in His Word, unwaveringly, led by the holy Spirit!!
(((HUGS)))
Good thoughts! Thank you!
The thing is we always have the choice. We can obey God or we can agree with everyone else that the person doesn’t deserve it.
I know that obeying God is a much better path.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:57 am
My comment was referring to the comment made by “Kara”–I think she took (what she thought was) an opportunity to give her opinion about your situation. She ignored the point you were making, but used one word from your post (respect) to make her “point”. And then, in your response, you were still trying to make your original point… I read it as a miscommunication.
July 8th, 2009 at 7:18 am
I just wanted to encourage you by saying how much I appreciate the fact that you have been honoring and respectful to your husband in a very hard situation! I love that about your blog! God bless and I keep praying for you even though I don’t comment often.
Thank you!