I’ve not written about single mothering for a long while. That part of our life really hasn’t changed you know. I just haven’t had anything to say about it.

It’s hard and exhausting as always, but I’m making do.

I do a lot of praying. I ask God to show me what I need to see. I pray that James will grow to be a man who pleases God. I pray that I won’t lose him when he’s a teenager.

I’ve been reading some great books and asking God to help me know what to do to make our home and family what he desires.

Sometimes, I fear I’ve bumbled it all. I’m afraid that my tiredness or stress or being stretched in so many directions has taken a toll on us. I wonder if  choices I’ve made are the best ones.

I get exasperated at the things I work on with him over and over and over.  I fear that I’ve  flubbed this child rearing thing.

Then I see him hold the door for his Grandma.

I see him give up something he wants to do for something his friend wants to do.

I see him stop what he’s doing and play with a little one.

I see him help others.

I hear him say, “Double thank you, Mom” –without being prompted.

I hear him singing a song of praise to God.

I see that he filled the ice cube trays without being asked. He threw his trash away on his own. He did his chores cheerfully.

Then I am reminded that God can take my weakness and insufficiency and use them to lead me to him. He can lead a family that is not whole–a family that is by no means perfect and he can help a tired single mom see where the priorities are.

There’s so much I want James to learn and know before he leaves our home. I don’t know how this trial has truly affected him and I wonder (and worry) about that. There’s many things I have to work on with him still.

But I’m thankful to see glimpses of light. I’m thankful for the moments when God lets me see that James is getting it–that all is not lost.

It’s good for me to have to depend on God so much. I wonder how much I’d lean on him for my parenting choices if I wasn’t doing this alone.

I’d like to think that I’d pray as much or think about it as much, but I can’t say.

I don’t like being on my own. Being so desperate for wisdom and wondering how am I supposed to raise a godly son on my own!

But there’s something inexplicably good about being driven to God in a situation like this.  He’s the most wise loving parent there is and I’m grateful for his help!

Filed under: Family, Parenting Alone | 5 Thoughts Shared »