Crying Because I’m Happy? Or Sad? Or Both?

by adustyframe ~ September 15th, 2010

Yesterday Lee called before he went to work. He said, “They want you to come to the office next week to talk.”

AARRRGGGHH!!!

I truly hate going in and talking. I feel like I’m on pins and needles and that everything I say is being analyzed. This may not be true, but I feel that way none the less. However, I’ve not met this parole officer and I guess it’s about time.

I started to sigh and say, “You know I don’t like doing that but whatever….”

All this went through my  mind in a split second. All this went through my mind before Lee finished.

He continued “…. they are going to start the process so I can visit James.”

I burst into tears.

Lee said, “Quit that! Why are you crying?”

I’m not a very weepy person although I’ve been more so since we’ve gone through this! My tears weren’t all happiness although that was definitely a factor. I felt all the sadness. All the years of frustration. All the times we were ignored and lied to. All the hurt. All the things Lee and James have missed.

All I could choke out was, “Why did it take so long?”

We talked for a little while longer. Lee cautioned me to not get my hopes up. It’s only talk right now and talk is cheap. But this is the first time it’s been talked about other than saying, “No.”

Part of me feels very worried. It feels like every time things look up for us something happens to destroy it and I don’t want to hope. Sometimes I’m too tired to hope.

But part of me feels like jumping up and down and screaming.

I haven’t told James and I will not until it’s actually happening. I prayed yesterday, “Lord please please please don’t let this fall through.” I started getting excited. I started thinking maybe Lee can spend James’ birthday with him. Or maybe Christmas? Or James’ presentation at the homeschool night.

I said, “Lord, I do not know why it took so long and I don’t even know if it’s going to happen. Please help me know your way is best even when I don’t understand.”

Last night, “God’s timing is perfect even when it’s not my timing” kept going through my mind. I know that but even now it’s still difficult to feel that.

The last time James and Lee were together, James hadn’t started school. He couldn’t read. He’d never lost a tooth. He couldn’t ride a bike. He was a little boy and now he’s in 4th grade.

I cried yesterday a good amount. There is no way to think about what we’ve lost without crying.

It’s so big. It’s too much. I can’t bear it.

When I think about it I have to struggle with God asking him to help me trust that his way IS higher than mine and that his timing IS perfect.  I don’t know why this had to be and I will probably never understand.

I do know that God has carried us and filled up the aching voids in our heart. He continues to work in our lives and he has some purpose for all of this. I pray that he keeps us close and that we look to him rather than to the things that hurt and frustrated us.

Thank you for each of you who’ve prayed. Please keep praying. I know I’ve been through so many disappointments but I’m really praying that finally things are looking up and that this time the talk is not just a bargaining chip or a way to hurt Lee.

And I also hope I’m making sense! I feel like I’m rambling….

Lizzie

18 Thoughts Shared to Crying Because I’m Happy? Or Sad? Or Both?

  1. carol

    Oh, dear Lizzie, please know I’d like to give you a hug and let you cry on my shoulder. You have had a lot to deal with all of these years, and I’m so sorry. The tears are not surprising at all. I know you’ve had to keep so much more inside of you than you’ve ever been able to tell us here. It is a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual battle. It is certainly understandable that you would be afraid to hope again. No, you can’t put your hope in the system, but you can continue to hope in God. Please know we are continuing to pray for all of you, and let me say again how much I admire you. You have, with the Lord’s help, done something that most women would not have been willing to do -stay faithful to your husband and your marriage vows. God will honor that.

  2. Ame

    gosh, i know exactly how you feel:

    “Part of me feels very worried. It feels like every time things look up for us something happens to destroy it and I don’t want to hope. Sometimes I’m too tired to hope.

    But part of me feels like jumping up and down and screaming.

    When I think about it I have to struggle with God asking him to help me trust that his way IS higher than mine and that his timing IS perfect. I don’t know why this had to be and I will probably never understand.”

    am, again, going thru some more things, again, and i wonder the same things.

    and i remind myself … God IS good. all the time, God is good. i, too, cry when i think of how much has been lost, continues to be lost. i’m not sure i’ll ever reconcile all of it in my mind or heart.

    Lord, cover Lizzie. you know the heart and emotions and mind of a woman, so come to her where she is and love her there, comfort her there, strengthen her there. amen

  3. Stephanie

    That is great news! I will pray for your peace of mind. God is preparing the path for you and Lee right now. You just need to walk it….

  4. Susanna

    oh boy oh boy oh boy! Like your title on the one hand I am thrilled- and on the other I can’t bear to see it go wrong again. ‘Dear Lord, please please pelase may this be the year this family are re-united. In Jesus name Amen’

  5. Pam

    Everyday IS one day closer to their reunion……I continue to pray for the day when you can all walk into church together hand in hand….sit down to Thanksgiving Dinner and pray together…..wake up Christmas morning in your PJ’s…..open gifts and read the Christmas story as a re-united family……
    Pam, South Bend

  6. Lona

    I can only imagine how you must feel. (In fact, I’m imagining it so well that I need a tissue.) Prayed for the restoration of your family…

  7. MamaHen

    I will pray.

  8. eunice

    I will be praying that you will have wisdom when you go to talk to them and also that God will open the doors for your family to be together.
    Hugs
    Eunice

  9. Robin in New Jersey

    Let us know the exact day and hour so we can pray at that time. Hoping and praying for you.

  10. Mae

    Looking forward with you to the day when your family will be reunited, and grateful that though this trail has been intense and nearly impossible, your family will come out the other end stronger than it was before. May He grant you a peace about the timing of this journey, and fill you with His comfort. Thank you for sharing your experiences!

  11. Sarah

    Oh Lizzie! I know I don’t know you but right now I could hug you! You’ve had so much to cope with, so many let downs, I really hope that this time you are all reunited.

    It must seem HUGE, too much to think about and process. Just take it one day at a time.

    I am thinking of you.

  12. Sarah

    Just had a thought, is it OK if I ask some friends to pray for you?

    Yes:) it’s totally ok:)! Thank you!

  13. Barbara H.

    The tears are certainly understandable. I do hope and pray that things will work out this time and that God will continue to strengthen you all.

  14. Jen

    Totally praying. Such a huge thing!!

    Thank you!

  15. TransitionGirl

    Totally praying for the Lord’s blessing on ya. And that He’ll soften the parole officer’s heart. 🙂

  16. Lisa

    I was away on work all last week and just read this. At last something positive. You are right, nothing may come of it, but without the annoying talk nothing will ever change. I’m praying for you!!

  17. Lisa

    On more thought–maybe take photos with you of where he was when Lee “went in” and one for each year since then? Should show a dramatic timeline.

  18. Christy

    OHHHH! I’ve been out of the loop! We have been praying for you to celebrate Christmas together this year … and will continue to pray!!!

    Ah… thank you! It looks like maybe it will happen!

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