Sometimes I Am Ugly

by adustyframe ~ February 8th, 2011

I am. Ugly!

I use words and behave in ways that make me ashamed of myself. I’ve been ugly lately. I’m not even sure why. I get frustrated and angry very easily and unfortunately I’ve acted in ways that do not please my Savior.

These past several weeks have felt like one mess after another and as soon as one things straightens up something else wallops us upside the head!

I’m reading Ann Voskamps new book and while I DO count my blessings and try to be very mindful of God’s work in our lives, I feel like a lot of the joy is missing in my life. I’m praying that God will help me be more mindful of his abundant blessings. I’m also praying that I won’t be so ugly!

On Sunday, I felt like it was THE LAST STRAW!

I put a load of clothes in the dryer because my outfit for church wasn’t dry. When I took out the item I wanted to wear, I added more laundry and started the dryer.

Nothing–nothing–nothing.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I–who was on my way to church–began an ugly spiral down and the demon of unbelief slithered all around me.

I said to Lee, “The dryer won’t start.” He came and looked and couldn’t figure out what was wrong.

We talked about when we bought it –probably more than 10 years ago. Realistically, it’s probably time for another dryer.

Lee said, “We’ll have to buy another one.”

I said, “We don’t even have the money to pay for drying stuff at the laundrymat–HOW CAN WE BUY A NEW DRYER?”

I actually wasn’t out of control in my tone or words, but inside I felt like falling apart.

I said, “You know what? I just feel like we never get a break. I’m tired of never getting a break. I’m tired of being broke. I can’t believe no one hired you yet.”

Lee took the panel off and kept looking at it. I kept getting ready for church with tears threatening.

Ok, THAT was the wrong response. But at the moment I said it, I realized I’ve been carrying that thought in my heart–“WE NEVER GET A BREAK!”

I was saying, “God, you’re not writing this story correctly.” In her book, Anne shared a story and said that she said to a family member, “I would write this story differently.”

That’s how I felt. If it was up to me, I’d love it if this blog had no reason to exist.

Even as I said it, I knew I was leaning over an abyss that I do not want to fall into. I don’t want to doubt God. I don’t want to accuse him. I don’t want to be ugly.

I prayed–pretty half hearted I admit. Then I said, “Ok God. Anne’s book reminds us to see the joy and to say thank you for everything. I thank you that my dryer doesn’t work and that we don’t even have money to go to the laundry mat.”

I slurped my last bit of coffee, put my shoes on and went to the car–to go to church–you know to worship the God I was just hurling accusations at.

As I walked out the door, I said, “Ok God. I will say thank you and I will sit back and see how you’re going to take care of this because you know we can’t.”

During church, the thought came to me that we can look on local bulletin boards for a used dryer. Then I thought we could string line in the basement and hang it up down there. Alright, I’ll quit freaking out and just trust God to take care of this.

When we got home, the dryer worked! It sounds a little bit funny, and it shuts down if I put in a second load right after the first load. It’s probably a thermostat (?) and we will probably have to replace it soon. But it works. I don’t have to figure out how to go to the laundrymat or how to string clothesline into the stone walls of the basement.

I thought about this over the last two days. Really?! I was really ready to let the DRYER send me over the edge and make me give up? I had a crisis of faith and became ugly to God over THE DRYER!?

We’ve been through so much. So many things so much worse than the dryer and yet I was almost willing to give up over wet clothes.

I wonder if this happened to show me that I have so much to work on. Maybe it was to remind me to give up control of every detail of my life. Maybe it was to show me that I have pride and arrogance in my heart and that I feel God owes me something.

I’m not sure and I’m still praying about this but all I can really think is this….”Are you kidding me, Lizzie? The dryer?!”

Lizzie

10 Thoughts Shared to Sometimes I Am Ugly

  1. MamaHen

    Oh Lizzie. So sorry. Actually, our washing machine quit yesterday. Just stopped spinning. Hubby looked at it last night and can’t fix it. We will have to call the repairman today. I told my sister, “For 16 years I have worried about house things and bills. And for 16 years God has taken care of things. Not always like I like, but He has. I am NOT going to worry about a washing machine.” But, you know my first thought upon waking this morning, “How are we going to pay for this?” I have such little faith. But He has such great love and tenderness towards us. He will not let go. He Can’t.

    I want to thank you for your honest posts. They show us that humans are humans, but God is God.

  2. Joy

    That was a blessing. Thank you for continuing to be so open with us all. I’ve had those ugly feelings A LOT this week too. Good thing the Lord isn’t done with us 🙂

  3. Eunice

    Lizzie
    A great post !! I can say that I have also been there , done that ! The stress of a trial , and something goes wrong and bam , the ugly comes out ! A big hug to you today & praying that God will open the doors for you & your family !
    Eunice

  4. melissa

    I totally get where you’re coming from. And honestly, without beating yourself up too much, sounds as if you just were ready to blow. And I don’t see anything wrong with that.

    Am reading Ann’s book as well (little bites, since it makes me cry everytime I crack the cover), and it’s given me much food for thought.

    But when life hurts, it hurts. Sometimes it takes a small situation for us to let out the steam. Personally, I think you’re doing great. 🙂

  5. Jenny

    I know, I do the same thing. It seems like sometimes the “big” things are “easier” (???) to handle but that the little things are what sends me into a similar spiral. (((HUG))) Praise God for His mercy and grace in spite of our ugliness.

  6. Barbara H.

    I think we all have moments like that, and somehow it is the relatively little things that tend to send us over the edge.

    Actually, I have thought that of you all, that it seems you can’t get a break. But on the other hand, there have been so many neat occurrences of God’s provision that that’s not really true, but I know it sure feels that way some time.

    In other news….my son had a good interview yesterday but was told there were over 70 applicants for the job and that he might get an answer back tomorrow — or in a month. :-/

  7. Robin in New Jersey

    I am reading Ann’s book also. Much food for thought.

    I have been where you were on Sunday. Stress can really sap you and Satan knows right where we are most vulnerable.

    One little thing, we can handle, but when little things add up…it can cause us to go over the edge.

    I remember a few years back out family was going through one thing after another. I was not handling things well. A lady behind me in church was unwrapping a cough drop and the sound was so irritating, I had to get up and leave church. Sounds stupid now, but I remember it so well.

    Sending good thoughts your way, Lizzie.

  8. Saralyn

    Yup. Reading the same book, did the same thing on Monday with the garbage disposal. Ahhh, what He wants to show us!

  9. Susanna

    Just want to say sorry not been commenting much and I am still here and reading. Life is taking over my free time right now! It is so often the small things that push us over- maybe because we know we can’t deal with the big things so we (try) to give them over to God, but think we should be able to deal with the little things right? Wrong! And they catch us out- and yes, how Satan loves that Sunday morning pull down.

    xxxx

  10. Janet

    Lizzie, we all can get to our breaking points. God is so gracious and forgives and provides still. Then we wonder why we didn’t trust Him. I’m so thankful for His faithfulness, grace, and remembering that we are dust (a dusty frame:) ).

    Thank YOU for being so honest. I’ve been there and still get there at times.:)

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