Recently, I shared that it’s been 1 year since Lee moved home.
Lee said, “Only 1 year?”
James said, “That’s all?”
We feel a little like we’re in a time warp around here. It feels longer than a year to me too.
Things are way better right now. Lee’s job is providing enough for us to actually pay our bills–ON TIME! We still have a LOT of debt messes to clean up, but we’re making progress and trying to get things cleaned up.
I feel like I can be a little more “myself.” I’m able to be more organized. I get birthday gifts and cards prepared on time or early! I still tire easily and don’t know if that will ever change. But I can find time to experiment with recipes, or spend time with friends, or run errands without feeling like I’m going to die.
So, I’m personally feeling more like myself.
Financially, we’re trying to dig out of the pit.
Relationship wise? Well, I’d say now we’re doing better.
This past year was ROUGH! A dear friend of mine said that I said something on the blog that made her worried for us. I wonder if it was when I said, “I thought things would be more dreamy.”
I didn’t think it would be difficult. Dad coming home is what we lived for, prayed for, and dreamed about–all 3 of us. So, it should have been a piece of cake right?
When my friend Gigi‘s husband came home, she told me she went through a lot of anger. Yes, she had been angry at him for putting her in this impossible situation, but she worked through that and was ready for him to come home. She did not feel anger towards him during the incarceration–just “I have to get through this.”
She said when he came home she was explosively angry at him. She didn’t know why. I didn’t know why either.
And yep, when Lee moved home, I was so mad. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s one of the stages of grief or if it was a result of holding it together for so long.
Now that he was home and I finally wasn’t all all alone and doing everything by myself, I was furious.
I carried horrible churning anger in my heart and could feel it in my body. I prayed and prayed. I wondered “WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH ME?”
I think I was a raving lunatic.
I said horrible things–HORRIBLE things.
Lee said horrible things.
There was a lot of fighting. A LOT. I mean A LOT.
Many times, I laid in bed asking God why He carried us through all that only for us to crash and burn now. I wanted to end this marriage more times than I can count last year.
I think a lot of it was the stress of the years.
Some was that Lee wanted to come home and move on.
Some was that I wanted Lee to pay for this.
Some of it was that I had done everything and had complete control for years. I rather like being in control and it wasn’t easy to let go and figure out how to work together.
We had to learn how to parent together. James was 3 turning 4 when Lee was incarcerated and almost 10 1/2 when Lee moved home. James was a completely different child and a 10 year old needs different parenting. Lee hadn’t been here to grow as a parent along with James’ aging.
We fought about everything–including stupid things that we NEVER argued about before.
He said that I had changed. Yes, I had and honestly a lot of that was his fault. I had also changed with my weight loss.
We did have some counseling. Then we fought about counseling (yikes huh?).
Our first year of marriage, we didn’t fight at all. It was a complete dream.
Our first year of freedom, we made up for the lack of fights our first year of marriage.
Why am I telling you this?
1. If you prayed for us–or still pray for us–THANK YOU! Your prayers probably helped more than you know.
2. We still have lots of adjusting to do, but we’re doing better. PHEW!
3. The reason I blog is to share the process of going through a trial, learning, getting through it, and being honest about how difficult it is.
I didn’t blog about this during the past year even though you may have read between the lines? The reason is that I was completely caught off guard at the intensity of my anger and I really didn’t know what was going to happen.
Do I know what’s going to happen now? Not really–none of us do. But I can say that things are better. We’re communicating better. We’re parenting better together. We are enjoying each other better.
Lee is listening to me when I share things I just need. For example, he used to bring James a little something home when he came back from a haul. I felt so left out–whether or not that is mature I did!
One of my love languages is gifts. It doesn’t matter the size or cost of the gift. When I told him that I feel left out, he started bringing me things–a little candle, lip gloss, a sweet card, flavored coffee–little stuff. The fact that he listened means a lot to me and made a big difference in my heart.
The other thing that made a huge difference was when he invited me to go along in the truck last fall. (When we went to Florida and the Creation Museum.) I was feeling like he didn’t want to be around me–well you remember me admitting that I was a raving lunatic?!
Anyway, when he invited me along, something broke loose in my anger and I realized that he wanted me. He wanted to be with me and be stuck in a semi cab with me for a week! I went and we had a really nice time.
This post is a lot of rambling and a lot of honesty. I’ve said all along that I don’t love being so honest here! It’s hard to admit some of the things I’ve shared. It’s hard to say I was a raving lunatic. But remember when I said that so many Christian books on trials don’t seem to share the hard stuff? It left me wondering what is wrong with me?
So, I share in case someone comes along who needs to hear this. Christian women who are trying to serve the Lord can have a really hard time dealing with trials and everything isn’t always easy. Getting from A-B often involves long dark valleys.
I also know some of you happen to like me (aww shucks….) and may feel like I have a right to be so angry with Lee. In a way, you’re right. It’s always ok to be angry at sin and the consequences and I had to personally deal with those consequences. But, the way I was angry and the things I said and the ways I behaved were NOT ok–just keep that in mind when you leave a comment.
Alright, enough rambling….