Anger…

by adustyframe ~ February 28th, 2013

I’m sharing little by little about having one child–joys and other parts of having an only. You can find those posts by looking back. First-second-third

In this post, I mentioned something that happened last spring and left you hanging! Here’s “the rest of the story”.

When I was pregnant with James, I wanted a Moses basket. (Click the link if you’re not sure what I’m talking about.)

The basket was one of those completely unnecessary things that I just wanted. The price for a new Moses basket was beyond our budget–especially because it wasn’t a necessity. I found a few Moses baskets at resale shops and the price was still too much. So, I gave it up and we had the baby just fine without a Moses basket.

One day at my children’s resale store (anyone been here long enough to remember that I used to own a store? ), a Moses basket arrived.

I purchased it from the person and took it home.Even if we never had another child, I would use it for a photo prop.

I did get to use the basket for a photo prop once. It  sat in the basement on the shelf with my other photo props for years.

I often moved it around while cleaning  or organizing and my heart always said, “someday”.

Then this spring, our city flooded.

Not crazy flooding–there was no danger. Many areas of the city had water over the streets too deep to drive through. Most basements were flooded.

Our yard and basement always gets wet in the spring. We live in an old area of town in an old house. But this was inches of water in the basement, yard, and garage.

James and I went to the home improvement stores attempting to find some sort of pump to pump out the basement. We got home and started the pump.It took hours to get all the water out of the basement.

Then the clean up. Thankfully, the heater and freezer weren’t damaged but so much garbage had to be hauled out.

One of the casualties was the Moses basket.

When I went downstairs, it was floating in the water. I don’t know how it ended up on the floor but it was too late. The basket was soaked. I considered drying it out but it was raining and soggy outside.

The first priority was getting all the water pumped out of the basement and getting the basement dried. A couple days later, I began taking garbage out. By that time things were getting mildewed and keeping a moldy baby basket really isn’t a good idea.

I carried it out and set it on the curb inwardly seething. “NOT MY BASKET.”

(My Moses basket under layers of moldy trash)

I had to throw away my vintage suitcases, toys from James’ childhood, all my shipping boxes, and as you can  see by the pile in the photo, many more things.

But my Moses basket?!?!?!?!?!?!

I put it on the bottom of the pile and filled up with things pretending it didn’t bother me but it did. Everything else I had to throw away was just stuff. Really it was just possessions, but the basket? That felt like  my dreams  on the garbage pile.

So many of my young girl dreams had already been trashed. This one felt like the final straw.

“Why can’t we have another baby, God? Why do I have to give up this dream? Why does this basket have to go?”

I will admit that I did not get over this quickly. Throwing away that basket felt like God was telling me I would never have another child.

I  often prayed for God to help me be content if “only one” was His plan for our family. Now instead of praying I would be content, I had to pray that I wouldn’t be furious.

I was furious.

I was furious that I had given up almost all of my 30′s to Lee’s absence. I was furious that I felt God promised me we’d have another baby and now my dreams were on the trash heap. I was furious that I was faced with the realization that God’s will for us could very well be one child and that in order to please Him, I had to give up having my own way.

I didn’t want to give up wanting another child.

So what did I do? Well, I imagine that’s another post but let’s just say the moldy Moses basket began a long several month process of arguing with God and frantically trying to figure out how to get my way. Not a shining moment in my life…

**This post is not in ANY WAY meant to imply I want a Moses basket now or that anyone should contribute for one! We still live in the same very small house and it is still something that is completely unnecessary. It is just part of my story.**
 

Lizzie

4 Thoughts Shared to Anger…

  1. Wendy Clark

    Oh Lizzie, my story is different than yours, but I think I know that feeling. Having to submit to something you can’t understand. It is so hard.

  2. Ame

    i think we tend to believe it is wrong to be angry. i do not believe it is. anger tells us something. it’s what we do with that anger that can be either right or wrong. the bible says, “In your anger, do not sin …”

    anger is one of the five stages of grief: anger, bargaining, depression, denial … these four we experience in random order – kind of like a raquetball ball bouncing off the four walls randomly hitting all four. the final is acceptance. some of us have to grieve over many things it seems we have so many losses.

    grieving is normal. anger is normal. you are wise in how you handle your anger and how you process it. it takes time, and you give yourself the time. you are very wise.

  3. Janet

    Ame, those are very wise words. Lizzie, I do understand–for different reasons. I’ve told the Lord several times how mad I was at Him. He is so patient with us and lets us work through these things.

  4. A Dusty Frame » Blog Archive » My Summer Of Discontent

    [...] the Moses basket hit the trash, I began a summer of struggling with [...]

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