My Summer Of Discontent

by adustyframe ~ April 1st, 2013

After the Moses basket hit the trash, I began a summer of struggling with God.

I struggled with anger mostly. I asked God why I felt He had promised me another baby if it was never going to happen.

I read everything I could about tracking my ovulation. I’m NOT saying that is bad. I just got to the point that I was trying to be in complete control.

I got rid of almost all the little kid stuff that was still hanging around our house–books, toys, homeschool stuff. By “got rid of” I mean, threw in the trash or the thrift store donate box with a little too much fury.

I asked God to help me if we really were not going to have another child.

I didn’t want to be angry but I was.

All the time Lee was “gone”, I didn’t struggle with others having children. I didn’t consider myself infertile. I wished we had more children but obviously, we couldn’t have any then.

Before he came home, I had this plan in my head.

My plan went like this:

*We survived this trial

*Lee would come home

*We would have another baby

*The age gap would always be there to remind us about Lee’s absence

*A baby meant everything was fine and we could continue to work on our happily ever after.

When my plan didn’t work out, I wasn’t amused.

I wondered if this “no baby” thing meant that things weren’t ok. I wondered why I wasn’t a good enough mom to have another child. I railed at Lee. I was angry that he was always on the road.

I was a mess.

In September, I had my cycle when he left at the beginning of the month and he was gone so long I had it again when he came home.

Then someone posted this on Facebook,

“Yeah I’m pregnant. No, I don’t want to be. Yes, I’ll love it. Whatever.”

I was so angry at the horrible attitude from a Christian. I also wished I could say I was pregnant and a little miffed that she was so “whatever” about her pregnancy. And as a side note here, when you post complaints about pregnancy or your children, you should realize that there are people who would trade places with you willingly–even with the sleepless nights and morning sickness.

Lee’s long September absence and this status on Facebook coincided and finally, I just took my hands off and prayed. I said, “God, I have no clue if you’ll ever bless us with another baby. I don’t know why I felt you were going to give us another child, but if that’s not your plan, I cannot be upset about it anymore. Help me to just let go and happily take whatever it is you have planned for us.” I also told God that I realized I was getting older and Lee was getting older and maybe our time for having children had passed.

I experienced peace when I truly let go. I can’t promise that I would never need to revisit this prayer, but I was finally able to let go and tell God I’d be content with whatever happened.

Then in October, Lee’s truck broke down and he was home most of the month and well…….you can do the math.

I am NOT saying that truly letting go and telling God that whatever He has planned is ok will get you what you want. I don’t believe that for a second. I just find it interesting that after months of fighting desperately for my own way, God answered my prayer when I let go and told him I was ok with never having another child.

During the month of October when Lee was home for several weeks, I didn’t love the lack of paycheck so one of the 1st things I told him when I called to tell him the news was this, “Remind me to not complain that we’re broke this month.”

We are completely thrilled that God chose to bless us with  another baby! I just pray that God will help me remember this lesson.

It’s not up to me–ever!



4 Thoughts Shared to My Summer Of Discontent

  1. Judith

    Beautiful story of God’s heart-changing work (the same power that raised Jesus from the grave), redemption (of a month of no work), perfect timing, and wonderful blessing of a new little one. Thanks for sharing!

  2. Joy

    good post my friend! I soooo can’t wait to meet this new little one!

  3. Janet

    God is so understanding of our struggles to accept things. He remembers that we are dust.:) I’m so thankful for the new baby and wish you guys a wonderful ever after.:)

  4. A Dusty Frame » Blog Archive » God’s Sovereignty

    […] I can’t say that I can expound on it with any deep thoughts. I’ve had to come to the place where I know that He IS sovereign and work towards trusting Him and accepting what He does. Sometimes this takes me a long time as I shared here. […]

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